May, You Will Be Better!

“Do not procrastinate or you will be even more stressed.”

Why didn’t I listen to that when I’ve already been forewarned? Was it because that I only believe in it half-heartedly? Or was it simply because I am so used to procrastinating?


April’s over. It had been a loooooong month. Is it over yet? The month might have, but the load of work had piled into a high mountain, with the stress level way over my limit, pushing me off the edge and making me fall, and keep on falling for days until I managed to grab hold of something and catch my breathe today.

No, it’s not that the work are cleared. It’s just that I managed to find a ledge and finally steadied myself a little and breathe. I looked up and I know I’ve got a long way back. It won’t be easy but I have to do it. There won’t be much help. I’m alone.

And meanwhile, in the next coming month, I will need to restrain from eating fried, oily, spicy food and opt for a healthier lifestyle in order to keep myself in tip top health so as to climb back up.

Looking back at the past month, I wondered how I survived…

Kids – a promise is a promise. The month started with me busy clearing work but at the same time preparing for little milo’s birthday. I’m happy that I still managed to pull it off despite the last minute work but on slight expense of my work. Then came…

Work – it had been HORRENDOUS! I can’t even remembered what exactly happened for tons and tons of things just seem to be thrown in my direction. Firstly, I am the most junior in my team and my boss, and so let me experience more things which I am glad to, so in the end, I seem to be partly involved in each part of what the other 3 team members are doing, on top of my own work. Timing was bad as one kept getting sick, the other started part time, and my boss’s family had some issues, so I am the only one around at one point. Don’t even try to imagine. After that…

Project it’s not the initial plan but I agreed to proceed anyway since it’s just a matter of time. Hardly slept much during that period for little milo woke up at 3am or 4am, and refused to sleep. What’s worse?

MORE Kids – then little milkie joined in the fun to give me added stress, for she will, in my opinion, forced herself to cry almost every other day, before she goes to school. Why? She said she is afraid of doing the homework wrongly. But it doesn’t stop there…

Hub – with all the low morale going on in his office (mine too, you know!) + due to the car, his mood hasn’t been good and it can be seen easily with all the outburst every 1 to 2 weeks. Boy, I broke down a few times too because of you. But sometimes when the luck of those around you ain’t so good, it simply drags you further…

Kids Again – friend commented that little milo’s development seems to be slower and thus suggested us to bring him for some evaluation, which I agreed and did, as recently I did bring it up to the hub on my concerns. And so, with his fever still up, I brought him there and the lady told me the not too good news. It wasn’t that bad, but I took it quite hard as I knew I could have done better to prevent all these from happening. And so…

Play – our lifestyle changed. We brought the children out to playgrounds. Changed their bedroom to a “gym” room instead with a trampoline and peanut ball, and probably more to come. Got little milo to exercise his mouth muscles too. But there’s the trickiest part…

Oldies – the next few days, disregarding the fact on respecting the seniors, I blasted at whoever that will deprive little milo from learning. And it’s hard work. It’s pissed off work. And the thing that got me so irritated was the fact that my MIL commented that we slept like pigs and never do anything for him. I applauded the hub for reprimanding her that she probably is part of the big cause for helping milo too much and giving in to him for anything and everything. So much for the help, but no thanks anymore, I will take over from now on. I do not like to be marked as ‘lazy pig’. Done? No…

Website Down – this site was infected with malware. And if you had been reading, you will know how frustrated I will get for my main outlet is gone. Then I had to pay to get it cleaned up. It’s like… What?!@#%^&/$%

And Again – teacher texted me about little milkie’s anxiety issues, and that it could be due to her homework. Told us to check for her. I did. I have always been doing.

I broke. My mind broke. My body broke. I don’t know which came first.

I sat at the McDonald’s with a friend. I knew he knew, so I don’t have to hide and I couldn’t hide for it’s simply too much to handle all these things at a time. I’ve lost the strength to fight. My directions are gone. I’m not eating. I want to cry every now and then. I’m tired, physically, mentally, emotionally. You guys have problems, but what about me?

My fever went up to 39.2°C. I slept, and slept, doing minimal work. Fever gone down on 1 May. I bought the Hogwarts Express Lego set and was happier. It’s also the first time that little milo requested to build the lego with us. I saw him trying his best to fix the small little pieces of Lego together, and was freaking happy when he did it, and I wondered, he never give up, I shouldn’t too, no matter how difficult or draining it will be.

It’s not too late. Remember, it’s not too late. You can make everything better, because it’s you. And you know you can do it. Trust yourself. You are water.

Movie – Avengers: Endgame

That was the moment that I’ve been waiting since morning. To watch the final movie of this big franchise that I’ve followed since n-years ago. And now that the 3 hours had gone, excitement disappeared and is replaced by a sense of loss.

Is this really the end of the ‘game’?

Let’s recap. In the last movie, the Infinity War, Thanos snapped a finger and half of the Universes’ population disappeared.


The movie started with what was seen in part of the trailer, where is shows Hawkeye teaching his daughter to use the bow and arrow. That was before the ‘snap’. I supposed you know what happens next.

The movie then began really slowly, to show the part where Ironman recorded a message in his helmet with whatever power that was left. It was sad. There don’t seem to be any hope left but something unexpected happened. Was that the hope that everyone thinks it is?


Lost. Despair. Failure. They tried. They all tried but there is nothing that they can do. For a short while, I really thought that was the end though it’s definitely not possible because we are only 30 minutes into the movie! That was when one thing came after another, and there was not a moment where I felt that I can missed it to go for a toilet break!

I love this movie! Even though the pace was rather slow at the front part of the movie as it tries to build up the story, and to connect the pieces up. But at the end of it, it seems like there were some kind of closure for all the characters (I can’t think of any that doesn’t yet), especially the main ones. Tad sad though…

Anyway, great movie. Biggest takeaway? Back to the future is not real!!! Can you imagine that?!! *facepalm*


Movie – Captain Marvel

Woohoo! I’m so happy I managed to catch this movie before it went off the screen! Initially had decided not to watch this as I have no idea where this Captain Marvel came from, who seems to be so powerful. But as I definitely will be watching Avengers: Endgame, we decided to watch this so that at least we will know who this character exactly is, and I definitely don’t regret watching this!


As I never read any reviews or storyline before that, it took a while before I realised that the story in this movie happened WAY before the Avengers were created, and that was when Nick Fury still has both eyes! But well, the story started off nicely, with Captain Marvel having a bad dream (or memories), and then looking for her mentor, Yon-rogg (Jude Law!!!!), who trained her to control her abilities. Apparently it seems like our Captain Marvel lost all her memories.

Then they were sent for a rescue operation but who knows, it turns out that it was a trap! And Captain Marvel was captured! From then on, the movie brings us through a roller coaster ride with almost non-stop actions!


I’m definitely very thankful that I watch this. At least now I know where did those powers came from. And I know exactly how did Nick Fury lost one of his eyes. And now, I am ready for the Endgame!


So where is Daddy?

It’s 10.30pm and the kids finally decided to go to sleep after I got them out from rolling around the bed and brushed their teeth with my stern voice.

Rewind a little:

I went to bathe, finally decided not to make the Snorlax figurines today for little milo’s birthday. It was simply too late and I was totally exhausted physically and mentally. Took a warm shower, and didn’t hear much noise. Thought that the kids had slept but alas, they were faking sleep in order to skip brushing their teeth. So where is daddy? Well, he is out there at the balcony on the massaging chair. Wth.

Rewind a little:

The lil’ hub was still bathing. And as I sat in the living room, little milkie took out her homework and couldn’t find her exercise book. She started to cry and said that she don’t want to go to school again. I offered her a few suggestions and with my aching arms, I took her bag and searched since she said she remembered putting it inside. And guessed what, I found it in one of the compartments.

Just as I finished, the lil’ hub shouted from the toilet to ask me to get him a towel. So I did. And then I went back to little milkie, where I guided her on another homework. Once she’s done, I carried little milo into the room to get him to sleep. And then little milkie shouted for me again, to get me to sign something. The moment I’m out. Little milo from inside shouted for my company. Went in and he insisted me to read storybooks for him. So where is daddy? Well, he just came out from the toilet. And so after reading 2 books, I told little milo to ask daddy to read the other 3.

Rewind a little:

He wants to go home. He wants to stay at grandma’s house, and it repeated a few times. As expected, the moment we left, my mom called and said he wanted to follow us. So I went up and brought him down. Just before I buckled him up, he cried and wanted to stay at grandma’s house but I ignored him for it happened before, and it never ends.

So for the whole journey, he cried at the top of his voice, little milkie mimicked his crying and I was just trying to breathe. Eventually, the crying stopped after he got tired, I took out my hp and showed them.the videos we took, and went to wash the car at the petrol kiosk. So where is daddy? Well, he is driving and cannot be distracted.

Rewind a little:

It had been a long day and I was glad it was coming to the end of the day but I’ve still got something to rush. And the the phone rang, it was little milkie. She called to complain about her little brother who refused to lend her his new bicycle. But from what I know, she had not been friendly a lot of times too. Told her repeatedly that I will talk to both of them when I reach home but she refused and then she simply hung up the phone. Pissed, of course. I called her and lectured her a little.

The lil’ hub rambled about cars on and off. Disrupted my sentences every now and then. Wth.

Reached mom’s place, took a bottle of Stella Artois and then started chasing them back home. Little milkie was on the new bicycle and she demanded another one for her. Got another round of lecture from me.

Rewind a little:


Rewind a little:


Rewind a little:


Rewind a little:


Rewind a little:


Rewind a little:


… The program is busy. Do you wish to close or wait?…


Signs from the Universe

I’ve been feeling weird lately. Like the Universe is trying to tell me something.

I tried on YouTube tarot readings twice – and both roughly pointed me to the direction that something great is coming, and that I should not resist but to simply just embrace it. And in time to come, I will be great. Just trust myself. With one telling me that if I am expecting a child, it will come (but am I?).


And then I’ve got weird dreams. One of them showing me at my auntie’s funeral, and then suddenly, she came alive, and very alive. Read online and one site stated that it symbolises a new beginning while my friend said that it’s my inner self telling me that I am beginning to be more decisive, and will complete what I want to do, which is the character of my auntie. Then the other day, I dreamt that my Secondary school Math teacher’s wife is pregnant with his 4th child, but she is already in her early 50s! Again, I searched online, and it guided me towards a part of me growing, while my friend said that, it is telling me that it’s not too late. Whatever the case is, it still feels weird.

What’s even more bizarre was, a week ago, my nephew suddenly, out of nowhere, asked me if I wanted a 3rd child. I stared at him blankly and asked him why, which he said he’s just asking. It’s weird because the last time I had little milo (2nd child), he said he wanted me to have a child instead of his mom when a cousin just randomly asked him. And shortly after, I’m pregnant. And before I knew the gender of the baby, little milkie ever told me that there was this boy (quite handsome), over there at the window. O.O”’

Try listening to them sometimes, they probably had been trying to tell you something. It’s just that you’ve never realised it.

My First Tarot Reading

I had always been curious about Tarot reading but never took the chance to read up on it. I even bought a deck a few years back because I like the design a lot, and only managed to open it a week earlier. But there seems to be too many things on my plate this year, with little milkie embarking on her new journey in a new school with so many responsibilities, little milo changed to a school which gave me quite a number of headaches, and the lil’ hub somehow buying a relatively expensive car without giving enough thoughts. And because of all these (and a lot more others), I’m beginning to feel drained, just after a quarter of the year.

A friend, who had always been reading on-off, started sending me links to YouTube videos on it and then after seeing a nice Tarot deck, I bought it again. On the day it arrived, I merely took the guidebook. But like what I have always done with my Yi Jing book, I was only briefly thinking “show me my state now”, and it did. Was it my inner self that drew the page out? I don’t know but it somehow did reflect what I was feeling and what I should do. And so that night, I spent a few hours reading up on Tarot and Oracle cards, and then I decided to start on this journey.

I took out the deck that I bought years ago, the Shadowscapes Tarot, and then I finally opened it up. I decided to ask, in general, how can I improve the life that I have now, when I seem to be having so many issues. And it replied saying that I already have the authority and wisdom to decide and know what I need to do. I just need to trust my own judgement.

So, I started doing my daily reading today. I asked how I can motivate myself, and I drew the Six of Cups.

The Six of Cups is a reminder of childhood innocence, good intentions, noble impulses, simple joys and pleasures. It is not meant to be overly sentimental, but more an urging to remember the open-mindedness of a child’s perspective, and to push back the narrowness that folds in on you over time, with the complexities of life and responsibility.

20190401_081605-995x995It seems to be telling me to remember how I used to be like, innocent and happy. Forever doing things that I love. No anger, no hatred, always being helpful. To reconnect with my childhood and reminiscence the past, and hopefully back to who I am…

Have you tried on any Tarot reading yet? Let me know if you did, and what deck resonates with you.

Juggling Balls

“Sometimes, I think life is really a bit overwhelming. Wonder if it’s because I suck at it.”

“I agreed. It’s like having issues trying to juggle and ensure no balls fall off your hands.”

“Ya… But the balls kept falling, and then more balls dropped onto your hands. And soon, you realised the balls are filled up to your neck, and you are not trying to juggle, but trying to breathe and not fall under.”

On a Monday morning, at work…

Mommy Needs to Breathe


“Mommy, how to do this?”

“Mooooommmmy, I want story book.”

“Mommy, I don’t know how to do this.”

“Wah, beee, how ah? I really cannot accept…”

“Mommmmmmmmy, I want homework”

Mommy, moooommmmmy, mommy, moooommmy, beee, mommy, beee, moooooommmmyyy, mommy, beeee, mommmy, mooooommmmy, beeeee, mooommmy, mommy, bee, mommy, bee, mooommmmyyy!!!

“Wait, wait, WAAAIIIITTTTT!” cried the mom, inside her head.

That’s how I’d been feeling, most of the time when I’m at home. But yet, I had to try and make sure that I don’t flare up. After all, the children ain’t that old yet, and they needed my company and attention, and that goes the same for the lil’ hub. Then again, what about the mommy dearest?

(Breathe… I just want to breathe…)

It could be due to the recent events, that left me feeling breathless, especially today when anxieties suddenly hit me out of nowhere while we are out shopping. It used to only occur when I am at work. No good. I am not good.


Even as I am writing now while eating the left over kueh lapis and drinking a cup of milk, I can’t seem to fully calm myself down. There is simply just too many things going inside my head. My insurance, parent’s insurance, credit card, retirement, car, children’s homework, outstanding work, travel plans, rashes, scars, sunburnts, childcare, money, business, pack the room, vacuum cleaner, milk bottle and the list goes on.

(I feel so tired…)

Then just go and sleep. That will be what the lil’ hub would say. I wished for that too. But if it’s a weekday, I will have to wake up at 5.50am so that I won’t need to fight for the toilet with the rest. And on weekends, most of the time I will be woken up my little milo who only disturbed me and wants my company. I should be happy but yet I wished I had some more time to breathe. Me-time?

Friends told me that in future, even if I want their company, they might not want mine anymore. So I guess I should simply just endure it?

(But… but… but…)

To the extent that my anxieties came back, is that a good thing?

Me-time should be available on a daily basis, so that the mom gets to recharge, and thus can give more afterwards. The mom should not wait to prevent sudden burn outs like that.

But how? When having me-time seems like a luxury. Having sanity day once in a while doesn’t seem enough, yet cannot afford to go out too often. Is there anything to be done that provides some kind of comfort and sanity for the mothers?