shattered on 30 november 2003/6

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Suddenly thought of this – 等
oh yes… something which i did before…
no.. its not a good feeling. 7 years, i’d waited… for nothing. why? ‘cos i can’t let go and that guy never said anything. after which, i found myself totally so stupid. nope, not that i regretted, but just find myself stupid. cried for nothing. ached for nothing. when everyone around me told me to just let go, i continued. too blind.

so… i don’t wish anyone to wait for me. its too painful. like a one-sided love. will i wait for someone? maybe… maybe not… i’m still as stupid but… probably i don’t have the energy to do that anymore. 7 days probably, weeks unlikely possible. months? years? confirmed won’t happen.

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*SCREAM*

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

*sob*
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死性不改

c: 点解要咁姐?
s: 点解唔可以咁呀
c: 你唔觉得好辛苦咩?
s: 辛苦… 但系我钟意呀
c: 算吧啦…

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learnin’ to LOVE

yeah!!! today is wednesday! and i’m going to start learning to love myself and my life again.
after all, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL right??!! =D

and i’m going SALSA tonight!!! *giggles*

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if only *LIFE* was simpler

as you grew older, your life gets complicated. i thought back at the time when i was only 4. all i did was to play my jigsaw puzzle, lego, colouring, origami and cutting of colour papers into shapes. how i wish i was older then. then at the age of 10, played organ, joined choir and ensemble, played barbie doll, collected lots of stickers, woke up early in the morning on the weekend and looked out at the trees in front of my house. how i wish i was even older then, so i can always go out. when i was 13, something happened. i hated her for causing chaos in my family. ever since then, i wanted to leave this house. how i wish i was old enough to earn money and moved out.

i’m 26 now. what kind of person am i? how well do i know myself?
ever since quite young, probably about 15 years old, i had very much like to get married and start a family of my own, in my own house with the person i love. *close my eyes and imagine* wake up every morning, the first person i saw, the man whom i married to, the man whom i love, thats it, happily start my day by giving him a squeeze and a big kiss. then off to prepare breakfast. but then… i started to realise, it isn’t as simple as that. it isn’t that simple to find that someone whom you can share your whole life with. i’d tried hard and i’d failed. badly. to the point, which is this point, i’m starting to think if i still can love someone already. when i no longer feel that i love myself. how can i love someone else? i don’t trust myself anymore. can i still bring happiness to people? to the person that i love?

ask me what i want… i do know what i want. never have i been so clear on what i look for in a partner. all those years, i only knew that i don’t want this and that in a person. but now i do… he don’t have to be perfect, can have lots of flaws, flaws that weird enough, i can accept which i never thought i could. and yet so many strong points which i can’t exactly point out which and what i’m attracted to. but when i’m with that person, i will feel very secure, till the point i feel totally helpless and become that little girl with no worries. but yet, i won’t be overly dependent on him. weak but yet strong at the same time, to support him in whatever things he does.

i hate to be alone. ‘cos i’m scare of loneliness. thats why for every end of a relationship, you’ll see me with someone else soon after. but not all guys that i ended up with, is ‘cos i’m scare of loneliness or that i’m vulnerable. at least i know for sure, two of them aren’t. why am i so sure? ‘cos the feelings are different. its not the “grow to love” kind, its more of the “dream come true” kind of love. those kind of love that you are subconsciously looking for. but then… its all at the wrong timing. to love someone, isn’t to possess that person. as long as he/she is happy, that will be enough…

i’m gonna stop talking to friends about any love life of mine ‘cos i think i’m closing this chapter of my life for now. after being in relationship after relationship for about 10 years, probably i really had enough. too tired to continue. life isn’t just about love, right?

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time (seems to) stand still

11.24am…
i haven’t done anything yet since i reached office…
today is monday.
today is the 3rd day.
part of me seems to be missing.
i can’t concentrate at all.
well… i suppose its normal.
i just need to get used to it.
then i can get on with my life.

心有点痛痛的。。。
呼吸也有点难。。。
脑里全都是。。。

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^o^

i lied in the tent and stared at the blue sky. it wasn’t very bright. was very windy. i closed my eyes and felt the breeze acrossed my face. and the sound of the waves. nice… been so long since my mind was this clear. i stopped thinking. and then i asked myself, what do i really want? what does my heart tells me…

hours later…









i got my answers ^o^

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tm, start thinking pls, wat do u want?

26 yrs already… do i know wat i want? who i want to be? its not the first time that i started asking myself this question. right now its 8.36am in the morning. i woke up about half an hour ago, my mind is very clear. i’ll be having my jap oral later on in the afternoon. and subsequently, will go to the beach with my family for a while. i need to think, re-think, bits by bits, of my life, everyday, from now on. i owe myself that…

i had a long talk with a friend yday. basically i just yelled everything out. things which i had wanted my mum n my sis to understand but which i had no idea how to convey it to them. asked me why i couldn’t talk to them? i did try to talk with my mum. ever tried. long ago. maybe its the way i put across to her but she just couldn’t accept it. “age doesn’t mean anything”. i’m 26 but to them, no matter wat i do or say, i’ll forever be that 12 year old kid who can’t take care of herself. why? probably cos i look like a kid and look so fragile. but is that a choice? my sis? ha. since young we hardly talked, and when she “disappointed” me, the distance jsut grew further. i still love her of course, but can she understands me? i still love her cos i understood her and i learn to accept the fact. i love my family but not the way they subconsciously restrained my life. ever since i’m 14, when things happened to my sis, my mum will always look at me and say, “倪,一个这样就够了,不要别个也这样.” great… so there was i, at the age when people will normally grow into people who they want to be, but me… i chose to be the good girl that my mum wants me to be. i tried not to let her worry. i go to school, go home. even if i go out, i won’t come back home too late. i don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t go clubbing. at the age of 23, when i stayed in hostel during my final yr, thats when i truly lived the life i want. at least when i grew up to that point, i felt myself finally breathing for the first time. i’m really happy then. i study, play, go clubbing, drink, went out with a lot of friends, exercise, and yet during the weekends, i can spend time with my family. but somehow, i never really think properly and i got myself attached. and then soon after, i moved back home. and they took away my clubbing, my drinking, my friends and even exercise. and at times, he took away the time i could had spent it with my family. who am i again? i love him, thats why i gave up those things. just like i love my mum.

but they could never understand the “accumulation” of all these “restrains of myself”. i envied my sis a lot. why is it that she can go out so late and yet my mum is still alright with it? and my cuz too? why? just cos my mum n godma had already given up “controlling” them cos they can’t be controlled? i never change, i’m still the same me. i only stopped doing those things that you all expected me to be, to do. remember the 2 voices that i heard? one is yt, the other is my mum. i can break up with yt but i can’t break up with my mum. but she’s pressurizing me. to be the person that i don’t wish to be. and as i grew older, that resentment increases. ‘cos its not the life that i want. its not who i want to be. accumulation isn’t good. it makes one explode. i already exploded for the one with yt, i really don’t wish to explode when i face my mum. i need to let her know and understand…. i really need to…. before i had another breakdown.

mum, if given a choice, i will move out and stay. not ‘cos i don’t love you or i want to become rebellious. but i need to break away. i need to be more independent. i need to breathe. when i continue to stay in this house, i’ll continue and feel restricted. years down the road, i’ll probably just become someone who live just because she’s still breathing. thats not the kind of life i want. i want a life which is bright, happy and i can learn new things everyday, be it small or big, about life or about work. thats the kind of life i’m attracted to and i seek for it. and i want to wake up everyday smiling (which i am now just by thinking about it). i want to wake up everyday to know that i WILL be learning something, that i love the life i’m living. that i love the person whom i am. and then when i have so much love for myself, i’ll be able to give it to those around me, those whom i love and care. isn’t that just wonderful?

its not freedom that i’m looking for. its your understand and support that i need.

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