Blog #0428

Tired? Extremely. And somewhat pissed too BUT… I have to tolerate… for the sake of little milkie… Even though the lil’ hub is brainless…

Sigh…

Early in the morning, I started my day as usual. And then my mum came and told me that they are going out at about noon. Fine. And so I went to tell my lil’ hub that my mum will be going out. And his reply? “Sure. We’ll try to go out with them then.”

Right.

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Blog #0427

Don’t yell. Can’t we just talk? Do you have to flare up so easily and raise your voice?

Why are you forever thinking that everyone else is stupid other than you? Why do you need people to spoon feed you, and tell you to do this and that? And if people doesn’t, then it’s THEIR fault.

Don’t you have a brain of your own, too?

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Blog #0426

6.27am – I am fainting… This is like… only 3 hours of sleep… =.=”’

9.40am – Clarifications made with the stupid lil’ hub. He finally woke up his idea of getting his mum to do the household chores, and instead to engage a part time helper. I seriously wonder what’s wrong with his brain.

10.29am – I’m fainting… This is too much to handle… My mind is in a state of blank… And my work is really piling… x.x”’

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Thoughts – Never Good Enough

Have you ever felt like, no matter what you do, or how much effort you put in, you are never good enough for your partner… You don’t feel appreciated. You get reprimanded for being thoughtless. You are being said for being wilful and getting angry so easily, or complaining about small little things…

I do.

And after more than 5 years of being with him, I’m still being said to be not considerate and not caring for him, and angry with him over not staying over especially when he’s so stress at work now. Ouch. Does he really know me…?

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Blog #0425

Somehow, it’s definitely irritating when friends of yours don’t understand the situation that you are in, especially when there’s a baby involved. As a mother, I’m obliged to take care and protect my baby as much as possible. I dote (of course I would) but I don’t pamper. Who says that the kids nowadays must have aircon? I don’t, at least not at home, not when she’s sleeping. But that’s another whole loads of different stories when I need to bring her outside. Outside where the air is bad and dusty, and probably full of germs. “Last time kids where got always need aircon”. You don’t see HFMD, SARS etc. popping out in the olden days, do you? Please use your brain a little and put yourself in other people’s shoes before you open that mouth of yours at times.

I think I’m in the cycle where the aura is bad. Don’t offend me, or I ain’t going to let you off.

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Motherhood – Deciding to Exclusive Pump

I cried on the day I decided to stop latching and go for exclusive pumping. It wasn’t an easy decision. I felt guilty. It felt like I’d deprived my baby of the chance to latch on and drink the breastmilk which contains lots of nutrients. The bonding time for just the two of us seems to be snatched away.

The baby couldn’t latch properly and was way too impatient to be taught. The external stress and pressure from the family members was way too high, insisting that the baby wasn’t drinking enough and that it was difficult to gauge the amount of milk that the baby had drunk. On top of that, the breast infection that was caused by a crack in the nipple didn’t help much, which also resulted in a fever. I gave up.

But that wasn’t the end. As much as I had to give up on latching, the idea of providing breastmilk to my baby didn’t stop here. After all, if I were to exclusively pump and feed it to the baby using the milk bottle, she would still be drinking breastmilk, isn’t it? And isn’t that the most important thing? Which is for her to get all the nutrients from breastmilk?

So that’s what I did. Day and night, I read up online on anything related to exclusive pumping. I was determined to continue to provide breastmilk for my 2 weeks old baby then. And I wanted to see if anyone else did that. Surprisingly, there was, and quite a number too! That was about 2 months back.

Today, I’m still exclusively pumping though the milk supply wasn’t a lot. As a mother, I feel that I need to try my best to provide for my baby, and at the same time, not stressing myself too much. So, I’d come up with a theory: If the baby can latch, let the baby latch. Else, pump exclusively and feed the baby using a milk bottle. If all else failed, milk powder will be the last option. There’s always ways to make up for that “bonding time” or “nutrients”. The bottom line is, “Don’t give up!”, your baby still loves you even if you never breastfeed him/her.

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Thoughts – Giving it Back

The society seems to be lacking this, especially for the younger generation, who gave the impression that they were generally self-centered. Something which I hope won’t happen to my beloved little milkie.

This ain’t a sudden decision. I’d thought about it for quite a while and the topic came back recently, after a chat with the lil’ hub. What is it about? It’s about giving it back to the society.

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Thoughts – Angry Gui Water

What?!!! Again??!!!

Table cloth hung on cabinet’s bar (OMG!). Sponge in sink (WTF is it doing there?!). Bread clip and panadol thrown on kitchen top (=.=”’). Floor cloth lying around (Grrrrr…). Windows all closed, door closed, fan not switched on, and it’s an extremely hot afternoon (BN… Simply BN! And maybe crazy too!). [BN = Bo Nao = No Brain = NB]

That’s it! The relatively good-tempered Gui water is angry! And VERY angry! GGGRRRRRRRRRR…!

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Thoughts – Wardrobe Woes

One would have thought that after giving birth, the problem of facing nothing to wear would be diminish soon. But you are wrong! I was wrong… The woe not only did not disappear, in fact, it seems to have worsen…

Almost every morning since I started to go back to wrok, I had to spend at least 10 minutes wondering what to wear. Today, it wasn’t any difference. It was definitely worse.

After finished washing up, this was what happened…

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Blog #0423

8.24am – On the bus to work. Cannot be to late today, at least not consecutively. Today is Wednesday, the middle of my second week back at work. Will it be a nice and happy day today?

1.5 weeks. I guess it’s time I bring my mind back to work. Again, it ain’t easy to juggle between work and family, and own personal time (which I hardly have it now). BUT! Let’s all TRY and do it together!

*Humming the tune of “Happy Working Song”* – a way to self-psycho.

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Blog #0422

My mood to do work seems to be gone today. With the audit issues that can’t be solved, topped up by the news that I heard, I doubt one will ever have the mood to work.

Am glad I’m on my bus back home. Well, at least there’s one good thing. I found a nice and clean place to pump in office. Thanks to the receptionist!

I seriously hope he would change his mind… and so would she…

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Blog #0421

For a dear friend…

I lied wide awake on the unfamiliar bed. There were lots of people around me but why do I feel invisible? So alone… very alone… with the only thing that’s going to be gone…

My tears flowed down uncontrollably. I couldn’t get up. How to… when all my strength to live had gone…

I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. I could hear nothing but the sound of my cries. The sound of guilt, of sadness, of helplessness and of surrender.

The light shone and the world twirled… and it was gone… I was gone…

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