Mommy Needs to Breathe

“Moooooommmmmmy!!!!”

“Mommy, how to do this?”

“Mooooommmmy, I want story book.”

“Mommy, I don’t know how to do this.”

“Wah, beee, how ah? I really cannot accept…”

“Mommmmmmmmy, I want homework”

Mommy, moooommmmmy, mommy, moooommmy, beee, mommy, beee, moooooommmmyyy, mommy, beeee, mommmy, mooooommmmy, beeeee, mooommmy, mommy, bee, mommy, bee, mooommmmyyy!!!

“Wait, wait, WAAAIIIITTTTT!” cried the mom, inside her head.

That’s how I’d been feeling, most of the time when I’m at home. But yet, I had to try and make sure that I don’t flare up. After all, the children ain’t that old yet, and they needed my company and attention, and that goes the same for the lil’ hub. Then again, what about the mommy dearest?

(Breathe… I just want to breathe…)

It could be due to the recent events, that left me feeling breathless, especially today when anxieties suddenly hit me out of nowhere while we are out shopping. It used to only occur when I am at work. No good. I am not good.

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Even as I am writing now while eating the left over kueh lapis and drinking a cup of milk, I can’t seem to fully calm myself down. There is simply just too many things going inside my head. My insurance, parent’s insurance, credit card, retirement, car, children’s homework, outstanding work, travel plans, rashes, scars, sunburnts, childcare, money, business, pack the room, vacuum cleaner, milk bottle and the list goes on.

(I feel so tired…)

Then just go and sleep. That will be what the lil’ hub would say. I wished for that too. But if it’s a weekday, I will have to wake up at 5.50am so that I won’t need to fight for the toilet with the rest. And on weekends, most of the time I will be woken up my little milo who only disturbed me and wants my company. I should be happy but yet I wished I had some more time to breathe. Me-time?

Friends told me that in future, even if I want their company, they might not want mine anymore. So I guess I should simply just endure it?

(But… but… but…)

To the extent that my anxieties came back, is that a good thing?

Me-time should be available on a daily basis, so that the mom gets to recharge, and thus can give more afterwards. The mom should not wait to prevent sudden burn outs like that.

But how? When having me-time seems like a luxury. Having sanity day once in a while doesn’t seem enough, yet cannot afford to go out too often. Is there anything to be done that provides some kind of comfort and sanity for the mothers?

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Something, in Common

We walked around, indulging in those amazing creations. Talking so excitedly like two young children. There was a lot of joy poking fun at each other. Though simple but we were very happy.

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Back to Reality:

Me: I tell you which one I like.

Before I pointed out which one…

Him: Where are you going to put?? You still got space to put meh? Buy so many Lego for what?

Me: *totally turned off*

……

I guess that’s life. As much as I would love to have those “happily ever after”, it seems like only a very small percentage of people will get to enjoy that. And that’s why you (or at least, I) got addicted to watch it in dramas, movies and read in books, where it’s FICTION.

I probably would have written it somewhere in my blog before, that I always seem to be the one trying to like his interests, so that we have something in common. Seems like it had been put in some corner of my head till yesterday. Lego. It’s not that feminine but yet that idea was almost trashed out immediately after I brought up the fact that I like one of the sets. Even back at home, while the 3 of us are playing role-playing using Lego, he will simply sit there with his phone.

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Here’s what we had for V-day. Nothing special but at least not the usual. He’s exceptionally nice for the past few days, at least he tried, for he knew he pissed me off really big time this time.

Put it this way. It’s the day before reunion dinner. Why do you have to kick up a big fuss just because no one is looking after a 4 years old toddler early in the morning, and ended up him drinking the evaporated milk from the fridge? Do you have to say that I am an irresponsible mother? Have you forgotten the fact that I am sick, too, and having insomnia? My parents are busy with the CNY preparations too!

I went to stay at my parents house with the children because we had HFMD, and so that you can get to rest more. Yet the kind of feedback that I get is as such.

What’s worse? During my aunt’s wake, you actually argued with me not once, but TWICE, when I even asked you to stop! I am deeply sorry though 3 days had passed, I haven’t fully recovered from the damages you’d caused. I salute you for understanding that you are probably in the wrong, so please continue to do what you should be doing. For at this point, the sight of you and your mom still irks me. It is that bad, if you thought it’s not. One who verbally abuses me, and the other always try to act smart.

Without respect, love is lost. I hope you will keep that coaster that I passed to you. Remember it, please. We already don’t have much in common. I am already very lack of love from you. To hurt me like that, you are only digging your own grave.

I will go and print out your motto for this year.

Be Forgiving and Kind.

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R.I.P., ASAB

It’s those mornings that you dread. That the inevitable had come. The first message you read on your phone.

24 hours had passed since I received the news that my 2nd aunt had passed on. Ain’t that surprise, just hoping that it will be a few more weeks but yet am already very thankful that she managed to celebrate the Chinese New Year. Maybe because she had always been nice and thus the higher up there decided to let her live a few more days.

Unlike 14 years ago when my Goddad decided to pass on early, instead of just keeping everything to myself, I’ve decided to just write. Isn’t that the purpose of this blog?

My 2nd aunt lived beside my parents since 1987. And then on the other side on the same floor, are my 1st and 3rd aunt a.k.a. my godmum. I’ve lived in an HDB kampong since young and I had a wonderful and happy childhood despite being a ‘protected animal’ with lots of restrictions and curfews. It’s a relatively big family. We were close.

Last July, the aunt was diagnosed with stomach cancer and her health deteriorated from then on. Just before CNY, the doctor even mentioned that it’s unlikely that she will survive till then. But she hung on, managed to stay overnight at her own house too. She didn’t wait for the family to reach the hospice this morning but we heard that she went away peacefully.

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I stood staring at the block which I’ve stayed for the bulk of my life this morning when I went back. I still can see the CNY decorations that we put up from where I stood. And today, it felt different. Different from every other day. Different from the day my goddad passed away. Probably it’s because we were expecting it somehow, and thus none of us was surprise, though still devastated.

The removal of the reds had already began when I went up. No words needed to be said as I dropped my things and joined in. Something which the lil’ hub will not understand immediately. Why do I need to go back so early? To give as much help and support as I can, to whoever that needs it, even if it’s just sitting there and waiting. To accompany my aunt for her last journey on Earth. To grieve, openly.

The tents were set up. Wreaths were ordered and it took us a while to find it for lots of shops aren’t delivering till today.

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And then she was back. A tiny small body wrapped in white, and then put into the coffin after some ceremony. Then everyone wept, quietly.

ASAB, rest in peace. You will be missed.

我的老婆在楼下,我那里可以在上面太久。要陪她,不然就没有机会了。- Husband of Aunt

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