May, You Will Be Better!

“Do not procrastinate or you will be even more stressed.”

Why didn’t I listen to that when I’ve already been forewarned? Was it because that I only believe in it half-heartedly? Or was it simply because I am so used to procrastinating?

*BREATHE*

April’s over. It had been a loooooong month. Is it over yet? The month might have, but the load of work had piled into a high mountain, with the stress level way over my limit, pushing me off the edge and making me fall, and keep on falling for days until I managed to grab hold of something and catch my breathe today.

No, it’s not that the work are cleared. It’s just that I managed to find a ledge and finally steadied myself a little and breathe. I looked up and I know I’ve got a long way back. It won’t be easy but I have to do it. There won’t be much help. I’m alone.

And meanwhile, in the next coming month, I will need to restrain from eating fried, oily, spicy food and opt for a healthier lifestyle in order to keep myself in tip top health so as to climb back up.

Looking back at the past month, I wondered how I survived…

Kids – a promise is a promise. The month started with me busy clearing work but at the same time preparing for little milo’s birthday. I’m happy that I still managed to pull it off despite the last minute work but on slight expense of my work. Then came…

Work – it had been HORRENDOUS! I can’t even remembered what exactly happened for tons and tons of things just seem to be thrown in my direction. Firstly, I am the most junior in my team and my boss, and so let me experience more things which I am glad to, so in the end, I seem to be partly involved in each part of what the other 3 team members are doing, on top of my own work. Timing was bad as one kept getting sick, the other started part time, and my boss’s family had some issues, so I am the only one around at one point. Don’t even try to imagine. After that…

Project it’s not the initial plan but I agreed to proceed anyway since it’s just a matter of time. Hardly slept much during that period for little milo woke up at 3am or 4am, and refused to sleep. What’s worse?

MORE Kids – then little milkie joined in the fun to give me added stress, for she will, in my opinion, forced herself to cry almost every other day, before she goes to school. Why? She said she is afraid of doing the homework wrongly. But it doesn’t stop there…

Hub – with all the low morale going on in his office (mine too, you know!) + due to the car, his mood hasn’t been good and it can be seen easily with all the outburst every 1 to 2 weeks. Boy, I broke down a few times too because of you. But sometimes when the luck of those around you ain’t so good, it simply drags you further…

Kids Again – friend commented that little milo’s development seems to be slower and thus suggested us to bring him for some evaluation, which I agreed and did, as recently I did bring it up to the hub on my concerns. And so, with his fever still up, I brought him there and the lady told me the not too good news. It wasn’t that bad, but I took it quite hard as I knew I could have done better to prevent all these from happening. And so…

Play – our lifestyle changed. We brought the children out to playgrounds. Changed their bedroom to a “gym” room instead with a trampoline and peanut ball, and probably more to come. Got little milo to exercise his mouth muscles too. But there’s the trickiest part…

Oldies – the next few days, disregarding the fact on respecting the seniors, I blasted at whoever that will deprive little milo from learning. And it’s hard work. It’s pissed off work. And the thing that got me so irritated was the fact that my MIL commented that we slept like pigs and never do anything for him. I applauded the hub for reprimanding her that she probably is part of the big cause for helping milo too much and giving in to him for anything and everything. So much for the help, but no thanks anymore, I will take over from now on. I do not like to be marked as ‘lazy pig’. Done? No…

Website Down – this site was infected with malware. And if you had been reading, you will know how frustrated I will get for my main outlet is gone. Then I had to pay to get it cleaned up. It’s like… What?!@#%^&/$%

And Again – teacher texted me about little milkie’s anxiety issues, and that it could be due to her homework. Told us to check for her. I did. I have always been doing.

I broke. My mind broke. My body broke. I don’t know which came first.

I sat at the McDonald’s with a friend. I knew he knew, so I don’t have to hide and I couldn’t hide for it’s simply too much to handle all these things at a time. I’ve lost the strength to fight. My directions are gone. I’m not eating. I want to cry every now and then. I’m tired, physically, mentally, emotionally. You guys have problems, but what about me?

My fever went up to 39.2°C. I slept, and slept, doing minimal work. Fever gone down on 1 May. I bought the Hogwarts Express Lego set and was happier. It’s also the first time that little milo requested to build the lego with us. I saw him trying his best to fix the small little pieces of Lego together, and was freaking happy when he did it, and I wondered, he never give up, I shouldn’t too, no matter how difficult or draining it will be.

It’s not too late. Remember, it’s not too late. You can make everything better, because it’s you. And you know you can do it. Trust yourself. You are water.

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