I started writing this blog since end of 2005. I wanted a new life. I wanted to countdown the days to the target that I set for myself – June 2009, where I can take off my braces and probably be happy with myself, with my life. But am I, now? It’s 29 May today, it’s a Friday. And next Monday, it will be the 1 June. And… I am not happy…
My braces are not taken off yet. My work sucks. And I’m bloody so far away from my loved ones and I miss them so much… I’m already at my max. At the max that I can’t continue this kind of lifestyle any longer. To be away from home. I’m only trying to count my days down. Trying to live my life day by day.
Why am I torturing myself? I don’t know.
I just came back from SG, agreeing to the fact that I will try and finish my work till end of my contract. Is that a decision that I want? As much as i really hope not to disappoint Uncle and my team members, and to think logically, i.e. to finish up the rest of the 3-4 months. Deep inside me… I longed for my Zhu Zhu to tell me “Baby, I miss you so much, can you please don’t go back to Taiwan?”… and I really meant it… I called for help for a rather long while, since last year. Although my dad, sis and cousin all went against me going back to Taiwan after knowing the kind of bad state I’m in, I still insisted to continue. Why? Because their ‘voice’ ain’t powierful enough. I’m waiting… and I am still waiting. Money, to me, at this point, is not important anymore. Neither is anything related to work. I seriously don’t wish to risk this relationship for one stupid job.
I’ve been having arguments with Bebe every since I came to Taiwan. And most of the time, it’s because of me. I really can’t help it when I’m so far away. I can’t really focus on my work. I kept thinking of him. No, stop telling me all the logics. I KNOW the logics. I KNOW I’m suppose to just stop thinking and concentrate on my work. I KNOW EVERYTHING but I CAN’T do it! Do you get it??? *CRY* Can you understand the kind of frustration I’m having with myself? I’m becoming so paranoid, and getting so upset and cried every now and then. And I’m getting so incorrigible at times till even I can hardly accept it!!! I’m more of a logical person but yet I’m doing all the illogical things! BUT I REALLY CAN’T CONTROL IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am scare, you know? Very scare… Why? Because I know I’m being too unreasonable (although in a way, it’s not really what I wanted). And because of that, I don’t know if there will be a day when Zhu Zhu will get so pissed off and stop loving me. I am scare. Very scare that he won’t love me anymore. But the more afraid I am, things worsen because I became even more paranoid.
I really felt so helpless at this point… My mind isn’t that strong enough to support myself to go through the rest of the months and even before that. And that’s why I relied a lot on him. But maybe it’s a little too much on him. But what can I do? Who can I look for? I don’t really wish to look for anyone else…