Mommy Needs to Breathe

“Moooooommmmmmy!!!!”

“Mommy, how to do this?”

“Mooooommmmy, I want story book.”

“Mommy, I don’t know how to do this.”

“Wah, beee, how ah? I really cannot accept…”

“Mommmmmmmmy, I want homework”

Mommy, moooommmmmy, mommy, moooommmy, beee, mommy, beee, moooooommmmyyy, mommy, beeee, mommmy, mooooommmmy, beeeee, mooommmy, mommy, bee, mommy, bee, mooommmmyyy!!!

“Wait, wait, WAAAIIIITTTTT!” cried the mom, inside her head.

That’s how I’d been feeling, most of the time when I’m at home. But yet, I had to try and make sure that I don’t flare up. After all, the children ain’t that old yet, and they needed my company and attention, and that goes the same for the lil’ hub. Then again, what about the mommy dearest?

(Breathe… I just want to breathe…)

It could be due to the recent events, that left me feeling breathless, especially today when anxieties suddenly hit me out of nowhere while we are out shopping. It used to only occur when I am at work. No good. I am not good.

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Even as I am writing now while eating the left over kueh lapis and drinking a cup of milk, I can’t seem to fully calm myself down. There is simply just too many things going inside my head. My insurance, parent’s insurance, credit card, retirement, car, children’s homework, outstanding work, travel plans, rashes, scars, sunburnts, childcare, money, business, pack the room, vacuum cleaner, milk bottle and the list goes on.

(I feel so tired…)

Then just go and sleep. That will be what the lil’ hub would say. I wished for that too. But if it’s a weekday, I will have to wake up at 5.50am so that I won’t need to fight for the toilet with the rest. And on weekends, most of the time I will be woken up my little milo who only disturbed me and wants my company. I should be happy but yet I wished I had some more time to breathe. Me-time?

Friends told me that in future, even if I want their company, they might not want mine anymore. So I guess I should simply just endure it?

(But… but… but…)

To the extent that my anxieties came back, is that a good thing?

Me-time should be available on a daily basis, so that the mom gets to recharge, and thus can give more afterwards. The mom should not wait to prevent sudden burn outs like that.

But how? When having me-time seems like a luxury. Having sanity day once in a while doesn’t seem enough, yet cannot afford to go out too often. Is there anything to be done that provides some kind of comfort and sanity for the mothers?

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Something, in Common

We walked around, indulging in those amazing creations. Talking so excitedly like two young children. There was a lot of joy poking fun at each other. Though simple but we were very happy.

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Back to Reality:

Me: I tell you which one I like.

Before I pointed out which one…

Him: Where are you going to put?? You still got space to put meh? Buy so many Lego for what?

Me: *totally turned off*

……

I guess that’s life. As much as I would love to have those “happily ever after”, it seems like only a very small percentage of people will get to enjoy that. And that’s why you (or at least, I) got addicted to watch it in dramas, movies and read in books, where it’s FICTION.

I probably would have written it somewhere in my blog before, that I always seem to be the one trying to like his interests, so that we have something in common. Seems like it had been put in some corner of my head till yesterday. Lego. It’s not that feminine but yet that idea was almost trashed out immediately after I brought up the fact that I like one of the sets. Even back at home, while the 3 of us are playing role-playing using Lego, he will simply sit there with his phone.

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Here’s what we had for V-day. Nothing special but at least not the usual. He’s exceptionally nice for the past few days, at least he tried, for he knew he pissed me off really big time this time.

Put it this way. It’s the day before reunion dinner. Why do you have to kick up a big fuss just because no one is looking after a 4 years old toddler early in the morning, and ended up him drinking the evaporated milk from the fridge? Do you have to say that I am an irresponsible mother? Have you forgotten the fact that I am sick, too, and having insomnia? My parents are busy with the CNY preparations too!

I went to stay at my parents house with the children because we had HFMD, and so that you can get to rest more. Yet the kind of feedback that I get is as such.

What’s worse? During my aunt’s wake, you actually argued with me not once, but TWICE, when I even asked you to stop! I am deeply sorry though 3 days had passed, I haven’t fully recovered from the damages you’d caused. I salute you for understanding that you are probably in the wrong, so please continue to do what you should be doing. For at this point, the sight of you and your mom still irks me. It is that bad, if you thought it’s not. One who verbally abuses me, and the other always try to act smart.

Without respect, love is lost. I hope you will keep that coaster that I passed to you. Remember it, please. We already don’t have much in common. I am already very lack of love from you. To hurt me like that, you are only digging your own grave.

I will go and print out your motto for this year.

Be Forgiving and Kind.

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Let the Time Passes Fast Today…

I woke up to the news of Aloysius Pang passing away. Not a good news to wake up to. I’m not related to him but yet I’m sadden by the news, likewise the many other NS men that we read in news. Probably felt a tad more because I’ve watched him acted since young. And I quite like him, my girl too. Yet, just like that, because of reasons which I can’t visualise, he’s gone.

Investigations can be done. Someone may be blamed. Preventions can be stated. Actual situation? You never know. But what is the use of all these to the family? He can never come back. I looked at the posts on his girlfriend’s IG, and I’m even more saddened by it. Thus, I have always stick by the rule that, if you cannot be with someone, so long he is still alive, it’s okay…

Chinese New Year is round the corner but yet the festive spirit is saddened and covered by such news. It probably is one of the worst CNY I had to pass, especially when I heard from my mom that the doctor mentioned that my aunt might not make it through CNY. Thus, I better finished my usual CNY deco real soon, for my aunt will be back this coming weekend for reunion dinner.

My mind is in a blank.

Though it’s a matter of time but… Furthermore, my uncle (aunt’s husband) recently stayed in hospital too due to some issues, which he refused to check.

Have you ever heard of those stories where the loving couples, husband and wife died one after another when they are old? Why do I get the feeling that it will happen…?

Suddenly the CNY, Qing Ming and the 7th Month seems like a time to purge the human race.

Time passes slow today. The office seems quieter than usual for some reasons. Even my director removed her only piece of CNY decorations, which I don’t know why. Let’s just hope things don’t go anymore worse than this.

For now, RIP, AP.

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Where Was I?

It’s been 2 weeks since I last wrote. My attempts failed yet again althought its a very conscious one. Ah… where was I?

I got lost in my dreamland this morning. Indulging a little on that pathetic sweetness, whatever that’s left and can be tapped. I would love to indulge a bit more but it just wasn’t possible. Maybe someday… maybe… just maybe…

Continue reading “Where Was I?”

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I’ve Answered.

Another week has passed so how’s the progress? Terrible.

Everything is still as messy as ever. To do list is piling up even higher even though TODOist kept reminding me of what I should do. The ad hoc stuffs simply kept on coming.

I have a lot of issues now, be it self inflicted or real. For Continue reading “I’ve Answered.”

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Too Much Noise

Sitting in a corner of the house at 6.28am, enjoying the peace and quiet with a splitting headache. I just realised that I love quiets, a lot, way too much than I know. And it’s getting more and more on my nerves when those noises came up.

Continue reading “Too Much Noise”

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Understanding Myself All Over

One week. I spent the past one week reading up stuffs, stoning and trying to understand myself again. I’m probably having some kind of crisis, midlife crisis most likely. At 37, with the year ending in another few months, I am still at where I am at the start of the year. No money, no achievements, still as fat or probably fatter due to lack of sleep and causes other health issues too, and even the lil’ hub hardly kisses or hugs me anymore.

I’m not balanced.

Continue reading “Understanding Myself All Over”

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It’s a Problem When…

You know it’s a problem when you can’t look him straight in the eyes…

When did it happen? Was it when he stop hugging and kissing you on his own accord? Or was it when he kept commenting that your parents are useless? Or maybe it could be at the point where he called you dumb? And that you shouldn’t move your things over because you are such a mess? And your finance is a mess too, and so on and so forth… Continue reading “It’s a Problem When…”

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