“My Wish is to Become a Smartphone”

It’s little milkie’s first day of school! And I’m currently at home, waiting for the time to fetch little milkie from school.

How’s things so far? Well, the morning was relatively smooth, with little milo not insisting on his YouTube watching (we forgot to hide the remote control yesterday night). But will probably have to adjust on the timing again as sending little milo to school first might cause his sister to be late for school.

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Hey…

Hey… what are you doing there?

Nothing. Just lying on the bed, exhausted, thinking through the day, thinking through the years, thinking through my life…

What is there to think?

Tons… for one, I felt especially emotional today. It was little milkie’s Primary 1 school orientation. I felt excited. But the moment when the teacher led her away to sit with her classmates, a sudden wave of emotions swept over me, and I was almost on my tears, not once but several times after that.

Why?

Time flies… 7 years had gone so fast. I could vaguely still recall that DL look on her face when Dr Ching held her up. Within a few days, she pulped up a little and got us all mesmerized over her with that big big eyes. She looked soooooo adorable!

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Has that changed?

No. She’s still quite adorable but irritating at the same time. Her temper isn’t something to be trifled with (but so is mine LOL).

……

So has life been good?

It’s GREAT! Simply wonderful, except that I felt kinda burnout from my work. Office work. I mean, I do somewhat enjoy what I am doing, but there are other parts of my life that I neglected, and I don’t like it.

What other parts do you mean?

Literally almost every other things else. *LOL* The business ideas that I wanted to execute is going at an extremely slow pace. There isn’t enough time and energy to brush up the weak areas that their teachers commented though there are already improvements. My craft area is in a total mess, and things kept going missing. My finance too, and I forgot to pay bills. Gym routine also almost halted due to the time constraint and I kept getting sick in alternate weeks due to the renovation in my office.

Wow, that seems quite a bit.

Yup, that’s why there’s a lot of things going through my head now. Especially when it’s the year end and my resolutions are still *cough*.

Then did you achieve anything at all?

Oh yes, I finished my HR Postgrad Dip, and realised that I find it so lame, and that I don’t really like it *LOL*

Oh. So how?

I don’t know. Whatever decision that I made, I need to ensure that financially, I am still okay. After all, the kids are still young and I can’t possibly throw the whole thing onto the lil’ hub.

……

True. How is he doing?

Good. Finally seems to have some possibility of getting promoted. I just hope he can hang in there a little more instead of jumping ship at this moment.

I thought he had some business ideas a while ago?

Well, looks like it will be just another business idea. Period. I got used to that. It probably isn’t the right time for him?

How about yours?

Slow. Messy. I simply had too many things that I wanted to achieve in my head but the energy level can’t keep up with it. Wished so much I can take a day off from work and go to the beach. Beach…

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……

Then why don’t you just do that?

No more leaves. My leaves had been depleted, for parent volunteer, holiday in Japan, and some other unplanned situations.

Weekend?

It’s crowded. *LOL* Oh well, I’m just going to endure for a month more. Gosh, just another month and a new year will be here.

Yes. Any resolutions?

Yes, lots, and lots are repeated because I never seem to get it done. Horrible, isn’t it? Take slimming down as an example. How long has it been? And recently I can feel myself expanding again.

How come?

At the start in July, it was okay. I joined the gym and consistently went during lunch. But then just before I went for holiday, I got sick and stopped. Came back and a week later, I got sick again. And after that it looks like every alternate week. I think it’s due to the renovation work in my office. Furthermore, work had been quite hectic, and I binge on food when I use my brain too much.

Oh, right. So any solution?

Will probably request to work from home if I can sense my nose getting bad, like now. Will see how things goes. Am thinking of restarting my gym regime too.

Good luck!

Yeah, thanks, I probably need that as well, on top of energy. I slept early last night and I still felt so tired. Dreamt of the past.

The past? When?

20+ years ago? Wondered what would happen if I made some decisions differently. Maybe somewhere in another world, I did.

You seem to have some regrets.

Who doesn’t? *LOL*

……

It’s been a few weeks now. Any changes?

Yeah, probably realised that I, myself, is the problem. Instead of tackling and focus on the things I want to do, I gave myself excuses times and again just to make myself feel better. Maybe I am just too used to being in my comfort zone.

Does that inspires you to do more?

I’m not too sure. At this moment, it doesn’t feel so. Energy is still low but I know the time is running. It’s like another year is coming, again and again.

Does planning helps?

I’ve been planning. It’s the execution. I am not executing it fully. It’s always at the start. Sigh. Sometimes I feel so pissed with myself!

Anything I can help?

How? Even if I really need, I also don’t know where to start. I’m feeling so… lost… Not the kind of lost where there is totally no direction. Just… how to proceed. I need some time on my own. I don’t know why I always feel so busy. Am I really busy?

……

Are you?

Maybe not in reality but in the head, yes, I guess.

……

You looked tired…

Yes, I am. It got worse since little milo changed his school. His sleeping hours changed and now he slept at 8pm+, but woke up twice around 3am to 5am for milk.

Wow, sounds horrible.

Yes, it is.

……

Since we are only a few days from your short trip which will end with the last day of the year, why not take the time now to reflect…

Well, Christmas’s just over. I’m happy to see that the kids really enjoyed themselves. But one thing that I realised. Maybe, I really did not spend as much time with little milkie as I thought I had. Maybe, from her perspective, I really am always looking at the phone (as what she had told my cousin). She’s always asking me to play with her but as I’m always exhausted, most of the time I probably rejected her. I kept forgetting that she’s still a child. Soon, she probably won’t even want me around.

And then I remembered that day at the USS. It was only for a minute that at the same time, both the lil’ hub and I took out the phone while waiting in queue, and little milo, with his body language and not really verbalised words, asked us to keep it. They kept reminding us that they wanted our company but we didn’t take note of it…

What’s worse? The plans I made in 2019 doesn’t include a lot of play time. I’m not trying to make excuses but being a full time working mom does have its challenges. It’s not easy to allocate the time correctly when there are so many things to juggle.

Sometimes I did wonder how do some mommies survive all these. The thought of quitting my job did come across but after some calculations, it might be challenging to do it this year. Then again, if not now, then when? Unless the business starts to pick up real fast, otherwise it might be difficult. At age 3 and 6, I think I do really need to spend more time with them.

And at age 38, I would say that the energy level dropped a lot. As much as I wanted to spend time with the children as well as for my work, I cannot do it at the expense of my health. Hair dropping, wrinkles coming, dark spots popping, gums receding, fungus growing, fats accumulating. Sigh… and so I signed up for the gym which I don’t utilise as much as I should. I will try again though. And hopefully the friend who lost 12kg through exercising and dieting can inspire me to do the same.

……

Feeling better after the short break?

Yes! And that’s it! Just a blink of the eyes and it’s a minute to 2019! And I’m going to be 39! Looking back, I can see my life going up and down. Just look at the no. of posts I’ve posted in the year and you will know what kind of year it is for me. For the past 2 to 3 years, I probably was a little too overwhelmed by the responsibilities of a parent for two, as well as a change of job, and so everything turned haywire.

But it’s all going to change again. 2019 will be a GREAT year for both YOU and ME!

Happy New Year!

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Ramblings – How, Now?

7.59am – Have you ever had those experience whereby you tried hard to think and plan but your mind is simply BLANK?

It’s a Friday but it wasn’t exactly one that I’ve wanted. I can definitely do without the splitting headache that I’m having now, most likely due to sleep deficiency caused by the consecutive 2 nights. Asked my mum and she will say, “She’s so naughty, only you will do all these things for her.”. And then the lil’ hub would say, “Who asked you to go and find all these troubles yourself. Just be general and buy a cake will do. You deserved it.”.

Yes, I know I know. The managers. I’m quite done talking to them at times. I could never really see eye to eye with them. How can one only dotes on the obedient one and not the naughty one? Wouldn’t that only caused them to become worse? (But it’s also true that little milkie is getting a little out of hand and pinching is definitely something I don’t encourage, yet wth are you teaching, mum?)

Simply buy a cake? Yes, I could jolly well do that to spare me from all these work but its the thoughts and the process! I don’t get it why is it till now you still can’t get it! But then again, so did my mum. Well, most of the things that I do and like are dumb to you guys anyway, and people who has no targets or much interests in life are dumb to me. So great! We’ve got a common understanding of each other!

Now, where was I?

Ah yes. Sleep. It was supposed to be quite a (poorly) planned Thursday and Friday, with me finishing up the figurines and then baking for tonight. Everything was going fine and I was trying to finish up the Tsum Tsum Sven figurine (without the eyes) when my mum started scolding little milkie. Why? She threw a small ball right at poor little milo’s face, who was sleeping, which woke him up. That was 11.30pm already. Tada!

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He woke up. She got scolded. Still tried to hit my mum and me. Pinched my mum and thus I hit her hand and gave her a good scolding. I’m not sure if she listened for the whole session, she was glaring at me. But ah, focus wasn’t on her hitting her little brother, instead it’s on her hitting people when she is the one in the wrong.

Well, that scene was over and she was forced to sleep at 12-ish after I finished cleaning up and bathed. Then there comes the younger one who was so happily screaming and crawling around. I can’t blame him for waking up and so I had to spend some time to tuck him in. That was 1-ish in the morning.

Then the morning came… and thanks to my messy character, I couldn’t find my recipe booklet in the mess, one which I should have put it online somewhere. I don’t know where did my mum put my tights. A baby was crawling around and I had to keep on taking note. An older baby didn’t have enough sleep and so woke up with a big fuss. My mum was nagging at me for not waking her up early (I tried once before and got reprimanded for waking you guys too early). And then I dashed out of the house to find the lift going up, up and up. So I took the stairs and by the time I reached the traffic lights, I saw the bus reaching. And don’t know which brilliant mind was that to suggest going to the other side (5-10 minutes walk) to take another bus instead. Bad decision. I reached and saw a premium bus went off. Was cursing and swearing before I realised, thankfully, that wasn’t the one I want to take. It came a minute later.

Now I’m almost reaching my office and I need food. Set B maybe? What’s the plans for tonight then? I don’t know. Will think later. Crap.

8.47am – Maybe the events started going wrong when I forgot to pass the lil’ hub’s wallet back to him after dinner. But by hook or by crook, I need to bake tonight. I won’t have the time tomorrow…

12.15pm – Crap. The bad luck is still here. Was wondering what to eat for lunch and finally decided to eat my Long John Silver and then I saw this:

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1.09pm – No packets of porridge for baby in this whole building of Vivocity. And I sure am going to condemn this vegetable rice stall at Tuckshop at level 3 of Harbourfront. $6.50 for 2 veg and a fish. Goodness.

3.51pm – Trying to recall an email… sigh… I am so glad that it’s Friday.

4.46pm – Let’s be honest. I really had zero background on whatever that I’m doing. And to ask me to try and fill in the table using the data and little knowledge that I have… hmm… I felt like I’m blindly swimming on my own and hoping to find the shore soon. Sigh…

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Thoughts – 3 Cycles of My Zodiac

So… in less than 15 minutes, I would have officially gone through 3 cycles of my Chinese zodiac. Goodness. 3 cycles. Can you imagine that?

I never would have thought that my life would be as such at one cycle back. At 24, I just got myself attached and having the idea of getting detached (looooong story). Trying to make sure I graduated and shifted my study table and what not based on fengshui. (that was when I started believing in external unseen forces). Am probably also trying to think of the jobs that I can do after I’ve graduated, including starting a business with my dear friend (which till now we haven’t succeeded). Life was rather carefree but routine due to me ex-routined-boyfriend (that was just part of the reasons for the earlier statements).

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Excursion – East Coast Park

At times, one really have to deliberately take the time out to have some real fun with their own children…

It had been quite a while since little milkie requested to ride on that big bicycle (not sure what it’s called) for 4 persons after she saw the photo that she took it once when she was really young then. The lil’ hub isn’t a picnic person and I wasn’t the kind to bring the kids out on my own. And so I kept on dragging it (though it’s listed in my to-do list) until today. Should I thank Kidzania for making it so pricey such that the lil’ hub finds it not worth the money for a 4 years old kid, and thus in the end we had to change our plan?

Nevertheless it was great and I’m glad that he don’t mind being out in the sun just because I mentioned that his daugther had been dying to go.

And so, we packed up and went for East Coast Park around 10-ish. The weather was good, no rain but the sky is cloudy, and thus it wasn’t that hot. Maybe they heard the wish of a little girl (little milkie was asking the sky to not rain last night) and so decided to make it a nice day for her.

We rented the bicycle (I will simply call it that) at $40 for 2 hours. That was the weekday rate. Apparently for weekends, you paid the same price for just an hour. That was the shop beside the Burger King.

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Know what happens next? Screams of excitement from both of them especially little milo. They were both seated in front, secured by the seat belt. Secure? I do have some doubts for little milo but that was the only thing available. Thus, I had to constantly keep a lookout to ensure that he don’t slip off after those fidgeting around. There are 4 peddlars behind, direction and brake being controlled by the left front cyclist. The seats are spacious enough to even cater for 3 persons in a row! Except that whoever is cycling will have a harder time.

Anyhow, we cycled all the way to where Big Splash previously was. Little milo drank and took a power nap in between. It would had been a cheap ride had my dad not dropped his watch that he put inside his pocket. He dropped little milo’s handkerchief too while carrying him but we managed to retrieve it back while on the way back.

Then we proceeded on to sand playing. It was the first time where little milo played with the sand and I’m happy that he wasn’t really scare of it. In fact, after around 10 minutes, he got so comfortable that he dropped the spade and started using his bare hands to, well, grab the sand, feel the texture and let it drop onto his shorts. Little milkie on the other hand, was busy filling up her pail with sand.

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Though tired and messy, it was really fun especially with that nice cool breeze. Definitely a nice family activity on a weekday. I wouldn’t really recommend it on a weekend for the traffic on the cycling track would have been too heavy to enjoy without trying hard not to bump into anyone.

Will try and do this again when little milo is a little older. For now, I am going to sleep. My aching body and legs desperately needed a good rest… goodnight…

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Thoughts – SHOUTOUT: GET ME OUT OF HERE! QUICK!

It’s not really that bad. It’s not really that bad. Well, it is bad. Ahh… I can’t wait to go back to my mum’s house. Gosh…

I had, actually intended to find a nice day, probably next week, sit down after my lunch or pump and slowly type out the days of my actually relatively nice and yet irritated confinement. But at this point, I just couldn’t endure anymore and had to shout it out. GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

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Thoughts – Byeeee… Mai Po. May You RIP.

It was just seconds ago before I hung up on the phone with my mum, and then my sister messaged me to tell me that her godmum passed away this morning…

Naturally, I was surprise for my mum never say anything when she’s the one who called my sister and told her about it. Probably it’s because I couldn’t go down to the funeral anyway…

Chinese New Year is just less than a week and yet the elder can’t pull through it. And it seems like it’s always the case – when a big event is coming, if you can’t make pass it, you can’t make pass it.

An elder whom I knew since young. My sister’s godmum, my grandfather’s younger sister. There’s definitely going to be some impact on the family, for we are rather close with them. It’s a tad sad that she’s unable to celebrate this Chinese New Year, really…

I mean,… she will be missed, and hope she can finally rest in peace, and be without all those pains.

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That was her last birthday celebration last year. Her children had held it for her, fearing that she won’t get to live much longer due to some sickness. It wasn’t a very big event, but there were a lot of warmth and laughter. Though I won’t be able to attend your wake, may you rest in peace, mai-po. Amen.

~ “Gone but not Forgotten” ~

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Ramblings #1083

9.13am – There it was, on the sofa. I saw it before I left it there, and I did consider twice before I left it there. Still, I left it there, thinking that it wasn’t important. Somehow, it does matter, not to me, but to little milkie. As I saw her wailing, and trying to get back to her grandma’s house to get the rubber band that she had chose so carefully in the morning, I can’t help but feel so incompetent. Have I failed as a mother? To miss out such details when I do actually know her characters. What was I thinking? Why didn’t I just take that rubber band with me? Just a small little rubber band…

And what happened to all of those things that I had planned for her and myself. Where has it gone?

Once again, the feeling of loneliness crept over me, as I fight on my own against all odds. And I find myself getting stuck in the middle, or else getting the blames. All those responsibilities appear to be on me, and me only… Making sure that little milkie sleeps earlier at night. Don’t let little milkie watches too much Youtube. Bring little milkie back to our house and sleep. Don’t give her other food while she’s taking her meals. And blah… and blah… and blah…

Why… do I seem to be… doing this… alone? No, I love little milkie, and I love to know that little milo is joining our family soon. I love these responsibilities but I guess at times, I would love to have some help just by them (a.k.a. the people around us) not going against what I would love to do/achieve. And of course, an understanding lil’ hub. That would really be a great breather. Really great.

It’s only February but yet a lot of plans had been disrupted. OR maybe I had planned it oh so wrongly, never considering the load that I’m carrying at the moment. Setting up an unrealistic goal that’s too high for me to reach. Energy depleting way too fast than I had expected. Such that… everything seems to be in chaos at this moment. And the suddenly arrival of the flu bug caught me off guard and left me procrastinating things for a few more days.

Where am I to go from here now, when that “leave me alone” feeling is coming?

1.32pm – After a heavy yummy lunch and clearing a list of errands, looks like my mood has gone better! All I probably need now is some peace and quiet, if only I could get them, from somewhere. I wonder if it’s alright for me to go into a meeting room and do some work there instead of here in these noise. Hmm…

1.42pm – Okay, never mind. I shall stay here out in the open, with my headphone on. BLAST THE MUSIC!

1.54pm – Little milo, ganbatte with mommy! ^^

2.07pm – Doesn’t look like the luck is with those born in the year of monkey today. Shall try to keep as low profile as possible.

4.55pm – Hmm… yes, avoid getting into other people’s business. I’m trying to but why keep on letting me see things that I probably shouldn’t? Just saw her coming in with her eyes all red after an hour of disappearance to don’t-know-where. Asked her and she told me not to prompt her more for she won’t be able to control the tears. That further confirmed my suspicions on her and that T guy. Especially after she posted on her FB with a picture that says

“Too busy” is a myth. People make time for the things that are really important to them.

~ Mandy Hale

Yes, it’s true. And yes, it’s true. And yes again, you shouldn’t tell me for I’ll repeat the same thing which both you and I know. I just hope you can wake up from your dreams, eventually, before you get hurt too much or something bad really happened.

6.01pm – It truly is important to make sure that the older children are not being neglected when a younger one is born (or going to be). As I took out the box sent by the Great Eastern Insurance for the SG50 and opened it up, I could see the glow from little milkie’s face. She must be wondering, why are all these things for the little brother… only?

And so one by one, piece by piece, she took it out. I knew she wanted some of it but she didn’t ask me directly. All she did is ask, “why is it for baby’s use?”. I mean, of course, it doesn’t really fit her (the mittens and bootees etc. Thus, when she took that bib out, I simply asked her if she wanted that, and if she did, she can take it.

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My over-age SG50 baby

A lot of times, I guess the older child(ren) is being somewhat neglected when the younger one is born. Even if not neglected, the attention is being shared by the younger one. As much as the adults need to adjust, children need that too.

Little milkie, mommy can’t promise that I can give you all the attention that you required, but I will try to, as much as possible, like what I’m doing now. And don’t worry, mommy will always loooooove you! MUAK!!

10.24pm – She’s finally asleep after that half an hour of interesting topic with her. The difference between a gynae, a pediatrician and a dentist. And she’s so amused when I told her that her grandpa dare not visit the dentist for the fear of getting his last few teeth plucked out -.-”’

Nonetheless, it feels really nice to chat with her. I felt like I can almost pass all my knowledge to her as she grew older. And I’m really kind of glad that she’s so curious in everything. Though it gets somewhat tiring at times to need to explain everything and anything. Ah… love this little kid to bits! Let’s hope things will remain the same when little milo is out.

Goodnight!

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