So where is Daddy?

It’s 10.30pm and the kids finally decided to go to sleep after I got them out from rolling around the bed and brushed their teeth with my stern voice.

Rewind a little:

I went to bathe, finally decided not to make the Snorlax figurines today for little milo’s birthday. It was simply too late and I was totally exhausted physically and mentally. Took a warm shower, and didn’t hear much noise. Thought that the kids had slept but alas, they were faking sleep in order to skip brushing their teeth. So where is daddy? Well, he is out there at the balcony on the massaging chair. Wth.

Rewind a little:

The lil’ hub was still bathing. And as I sat in the living room, little milkie took out her homework and couldn’t find her exercise book. She started to cry and said that she don’t want to go to school again. I offered her a few suggestions and with my aching arms, I took her bag and searched since she said she remembered putting it inside. And guessed what, I found it in one of the compartments.

Just as I finished, the lil’ hub shouted from the toilet to ask me to get him a towel. So I did. And then I went back to little milkie, where I guided her on another homework. Once she’s done, I carried little milo into the room to get him to sleep. And then little milkie shouted for me again, to get me to sign something. The moment I’m out. Little milo from inside shouted for my company. Went in and he insisted me to read storybooks for him. So where is daddy? Well, he just came out from the toilet. And so after reading 2 books, I told little milo to ask daddy to read the other 3.

Rewind a little:

He wants to go home. He wants to stay at grandma’s house, and it repeated a few times. As expected, the moment we left, my mom called and said he wanted to follow us. So I went up and brought him down. Just before I buckled him up, he cried and wanted to stay at grandma’s house but I ignored him for it happened before, and it never ends.

So for the whole journey, he cried at the top of his voice, little milkie mimicked his crying and I was just trying to breathe. Eventually, the crying stopped after he got tired, I took out my hp and showed them.the videos we took, and went to wash the car at the petrol kiosk. So where is daddy? Well, he is driving and cannot be distracted.

Rewind a little:

It had been a long day and I was glad it was coming to the end of the day but I’ve still got something to rush. And the the phone rang, it was little milkie. She called to complain about her little brother who refused to lend her his new bicycle. But from what I know, she had not been friendly a lot of times too. Told her repeatedly that I will talk to both of them when I reach home but she refused and then she simply hung up the phone. Pissed, of course. I called her and lectured her a little.

The lil’ hub rambled about cars on and off. Disrupted my sentences every now and then. Wth.

Reached mom’s place, took a bottle of Stella Artois and then started chasing them back home. Little milkie was on the new bicycle and she demanded another one for her. Got another round of lecture from me.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

… The program is busy. Do you wish to close or wait?…

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My First Tarot Reading

I had always been curious about Tarot reading but never took the chance to read up on it. I even bought a deck a few years back because I like the design a lot, and only managed to open it a week earlier. But there seems to be too many things on my plate this year, with little milkie embarking on her new journey in a new school with so many responsibilities, little milo changed to a school which gave me quite a number of headaches, and the lil’ hub somehow buying a relatively expensive car without giving enough thoughts. And because of all these (and a lot more others), I’m beginning to feel drained, just after a quarter of the year.

A friend, who had always been reading on-off, started sending me links to YouTube videos on it and then after seeing a nice Tarot deck, I bought it again. On the day it arrived, I merely took the guidebook. But like what I have always done with my Yi Jing book, I was only briefly thinking “show me my state now”, and it did. Was it my inner self that drew the page out? I don’t know but it somehow did reflect what I was feeling and what I should do. And so that night, I spent a few hours reading up on Tarot and Oracle cards, and then I decided to start on this journey.

I took out the deck that I bought years ago, the Shadowscapes Tarot, and then I finally opened it up. I decided to ask, in general, how can I improve the life that I have now, when I seem to be having so many issues. And it replied saying that I already have the authority and wisdom to decide and know what I need to do. I just need to trust my own judgement.

So, I started doing my daily reading today. I asked how I can motivate myself, and I drew the Six of Cups.

The Six of Cups is a reminder of childhood innocence, good intentions, noble impulses, simple joys and pleasures. It is not meant to be overly sentimental, but more an urging to remember the open-mindedness of a child’s perspective, and to push back the narrowness that folds in on you over time, with the complexities of life and responsibility.

20190401_081605-995x995It seems to be telling me to remember how I used to be like, innocent and happy. Forever doing things that I love. No anger, no hatred, always being helpful. To reconnect with my childhood and reminiscence the past, and hopefully back to who I am…

Have you tried on any Tarot reading yet? Let me know if you did, and what deck resonates with you.


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Juggling Balls

“Sometimes, I think life is really a bit overwhelming. Wonder if it’s because I suck at it.”

“I agreed. It’s like having issues trying to juggle and ensure no balls fall off your hands.”

“Ya… But the balls kept falling, and then more balls dropped onto your hands. And soon, you realised the balls are filled up to your neck, and you are not trying to juggle, but trying to breathe and not fall under.”

On a Monday morning, at work…

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Mommy Needs to Breathe

“Moooooommmmmmy!!!!”

“Mommy, how to do this?”

“Mooooommmmy, I want story book.”

“Mommy, I don’t know how to do this.”

“Wah, beee, how ah? I really cannot accept…”

“Mommmmmmmmy, I want homework”

Mommy, moooommmmmy, mommy, moooommmy, beee, mommy, beee, moooooommmmyyy, mommy, beeee, mommmy, mooooommmmy, beeeee, mooommmy, mommy, bee, mommy, bee, mooommmmyyy!!!

“Wait, wait, WAAAIIIITTTTT!” cried the mom, inside her head.

That’s how I’d been feeling, most of the time when I’m at home. But yet, I had to try and make sure that I don’t flare up. After all, the children ain’t that old yet, and they needed my company and attention, and that goes the same for the lil’ hub. Then again, what about the mommy dearest?

(Breathe… I just want to breathe…)

It could be due to the recent events, that left me feeling breathless, especially today when anxieties suddenly hit me out of nowhere while we are out shopping. It used to only occur when I am at work. No good. I am not good.

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Even as I am writing now while eating the left over kueh lapis and drinking a cup of milk, I can’t seem to fully calm myself down. There is simply just too many things going inside my head. My insurance, parent’s insurance, credit card, retirement, car, children’s homework, outstanding work, travel plans, rashes, scars, sunburnts, childcare, money, business, pack the room, vacuum cleaner, milk bottle and the list goes on.

(I feel so tired…)

Then just go and sleep. That will be what the lil’ hub would say. I wished for that too. But if it’s a weekday, I will have to wake up at 5.50am so that I won’t need to fight for the toilet with the rest. And on weekends, most of the time I will be woken up my little milo who only disturbed me and wants my company. I should be happy but yet I wished I had some more time to breathe. Me-time?

Friends told me that in future, even if I want their company, they might not want mine anymore. So I guess I should simply just endure it?

(But… but… but…)

To the extent that my anxieties came back, is that a good thing?

Me-time should be available on a daily basis, so that the mom gets to recharge, and thus can give more afterwards. The mom should not wait to prevent sudden burn outs like that.

But how? When having me-time seems like a luxury. Having sanity day once in a while doesn’t seem enough, yet cannot afford to go out too often. Is there anything to be done that provides some kind of comfort and sanity for the mothers?

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Something, in Common

We walked around, indulging in those amazing creations. Talking so excitedly like two young children. There was a lot of joy poking fun at each other. Though simple but we were very happy.

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Back to Reality:

Me: I tell you which one I like.

Before I pointed out which one…

Him: Where are you going to put?? You still got space to put meh? Buy so many Lego for what?

Me: *totally turned off*

……

I guess that’s life. As much as I would love to have those “happily ever after”, it seems like only a very small percentage of people will get to enjoy that. And that’s why you (or at least, I) got addicted to watch it in dramas, movies and read in books, where it’s FICTION.

I probably would have written it somewhere in my blog before, that I always seem to be the one trying to like his interests, so that we have something in common. Seems like it had been put in some corner of my head till yesterday. Lego. It’s not that feminine but yet that idea was almost trashed out immediately after I brought up the fact that I like one of the sets. Even back at home, while the 3 of us are playing role-playing using Lego, he will simply sit there with his phone.

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Here’s what we had for V-day. Nothing special but at least not the usual. He’s exceptionally nice for the past few days, at least he tried, for he knew he pissed me off really big time this time.

Put it this way. It’s the day before reunion dinner. Why do you have to kick up a big fuss just because no one is looking after a 4 years old toddler early in the morning, and ended up him drinking the evaporated milk from the fridge? Do you have to say that I am an irresponsible mother? Have you forgotten the fact that I am sick, too, and having insomnia? My parents are busy with the CNY preparations too!

I went to stay at my parents house with the children because we had HFMD, and so that you can get to rest more. Yet the kind of feedback that I get is as such.

What’s worse? During my aunt’s wake, you actually argued with me not once, but TWICE, when I even asked you to stop! I am deeply sorry though 3 days had passed, I haven’t fully recovered from the damages you’d caused. I salute you for understanding that you are probably in the wrong, so please continue to do what you should be doing. For at this point, the sight of you and your mom still irks me. It is that bad, if you thought it’s not. One who verbally abuses me, and the other always try to act smart.

Without respect, love is lost. I hope you will keep that coaster that I passed to you. Remember it, please. We already don’t have much in common. I am already very lack of love from you. To hurt me like that, you are only digging your own grave.

I will go and print out your motto for this year.

Be Forgiving and Kind.

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R.I.P., ASAB

It’s those mornings that you dread. That the inevitable had come. The first message you read on your phone.

24 hours had passed since I received the news that my 2nd aunt had passed on. Ain’t that surprise, just hoping that it will be a few more weeks but yet am already very thankful that she managed to celebrate the Chinese New Year. Maybe because she had always been nice and thus the higher up there decided to let her live a few more days.

Unlike 14 years ago when my Goddad decided to pass on early, instead of just keeping everything to myself, I’ve decided to just write. Isn’t that the purpose of this blog?

My 2nd aunt lived beside my parents since 1987. And then on the other side on the same floor, are my 1st and 3rd aunt a.k.a. my godmum. I’ve lived in an HDB kampong since young and I had a wonderful and happy childhood despite being a ‘protected animal’ with lots of restrictions and curfews. It’s a relatively big family. We were close.

Last July, the aunt was diagnosed with stomach cancer and her health deteriorated from then on. Just before CNY, the doctor even mentioned that it’s unlikely that she will survive till then. But she hung on, managed to stay overnight at her own house too. She didn’t wait for the family to reach the hospice this morning but we heard that she went away peacefully.

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I stood staring at the block which I’ve stayed for the bulk of my life this morning when I went back. I still can see the CNY decorations that we put up from where I stood. And today, it felt different. Different from every other day. Different from the day my goddad passed away. Probably it’s because we were expecting it somehow, and thus none of us was surprise, though still devastated.

The removal of the reds had already began when I went up. No words needed to be said as I dropped my things and joined in. Something which the lil’ hub will not understand immediately. Why do I need to go back so early? To give as much help and support as I can, to whoever that needs it, even if it’s just sitting there and waiting. To accompany my aunt for her last journey on Earth. To grieve, openly.

The tents were set up. Wreaths were ordered and it took us a while to find it for lots of shops aren’t delivering till today.

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And then she was back. A tiny small body wrapped in white, and then put into the coffin after some ceremony. Then everyone wept, quietly.

ASAB, rest in peace. You will be missed.

我的老婆在楼下,我那里可以在上面太久。要陪她,不然就没有机会了。- Husband of Aunt

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Let the Time Passes Fast Today…

I woke up to the news of Aloysius Pang passing away. Not a good news to wake up to. I’m not related to him but yet I’m sadden by the news, likewise the many other NS men that we read in news. Probably felt a tad more because I’ve watched him acted since young. And I quite like him, my girl too. Yet, just like that, because of reasons which I can’t visualise, he’s gone.

Investigations can be done. Someone may be blamed. Preventions can be stated. Actual situation? You never know. But what is the use of all these to the family? He can never come back. I looked at the posts on his girlfriend’s IG, and I’m even more saddened by it. Thus, I have always stick by the rule that, if you cannot be with someone, so long he is still alive, it’s okay…

Chinese New Year is round the corner but yet the festive spirit is saddened and covered by such news. It probably is one of the worst CNY I had to pass, especially when I heard from my mom that the doctor mentioned that my aunt might not make it through CNY. Thus, I better finished my usual CNY deco real soon, for my aunt will be back this coming weekend for reunion dinner.

My mind is in a blank.

Though it’s a matter of time but… Furthermore, my uncle (aunt’s husband) recently stayed in hospital too due to some issues, which he refused to check.

Have you ever heard of those stories where the loving couples, husband and wife died one after another when they are old? Why do I get the feeling that it will happen…?

Suddenly the CNY, Qing Ming and the 7th Month seems like a time to purge the human race.

Time passes slow today. The office seems quieter than usual for some reasons. Even my director removed her only piece of CNY decorations, which I don’t know why. Let’s just hope things don’t go anymore worse than this.

For now, RIP, AP.

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Before I start my day…

Before I start my day today, here’s what I want to say. Kudos to all the mommies and daddies with children going to primary school! If you think that kindergarten is bad, waking up that early and making sure that the kids had enough sleep and not late for school is even worse.

First week’s over for 2019, my flu and cough hasn’t recover. Lil’ hub had to go reservist during period and I’m so thankful again that I’ve got my parents to help. Been keeping up with trying to get the kids to sleep before 10pm, and making sure that they brushed their teeth and rinsed their mouth after their last bottle of milk. Am constantly mindful that I don’t use my hp while I’m with them too. As well as do my work unless really necessary like yesterday where I did for 15 minutes and little milkie complained. Yet I can’t fault her for I should not bring work back home.

Been taking a photo of myself to remind me that… I am as lazy as I look.

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But looking at the time that I have, I seriously wonder will I ever have the time to do anything at all this year.

*shake it off!*

Breathe. It’s only the 8th day. Trust that you can do it, and then you will!

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