Something, in Common

We walked around, indulging in those amazing creations. Talking so excitedly like two young children. There was a lot of joy poking fun at each other. Though simple but we were very happy.

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Back to Reality:

Me: I tell you which one I like.

Before I pointed out which one…

Him: Where are you going to put?? You still got space to put meh? Buy so many Lego for what?

Me: *totally turned off*

……

I guess that’s life. As much as I would love to have those “happily ever after”, it seems like only a very small percentage of people will get to enjoy that. And that’s why you (or at least, I) got addicted to watch it in dramas, movies and read in books, where it’s FICTION.

I probably would have written it somewhere in my blog before, that I always seem to be the one trying to like his interests, so that we have something in common. Seems like it had been put in some corner of my head till yesterday. Lego. It’s not that feminine but yet that idea was almost trashed out immediately after I brought up the fact that I like one of the sets. Even back at home, while the 3 of us are playing role-playing using Lego, he will simply sit there with his phone.

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Here’s what we had for V-day. Nothing special but at least not the usual. He’s exceptionally nice for the past few days, at least he tried, for he knew he pissed me off really big time this time.

Put it this way. It’s the day before reunion dinner. Why do you have to kick up a big fuss just because no one is looking after a 4 years old toddler early in the morning, and ended up him drinking the evaporated milk from the fridge? Do you have to say that I am an irresponsible mother? Have you forgotten the fact that I am sick, too, and having insomnia? My parents are busy with the CNY preparations too!

I went to stay at my parents house with the children because we had HFMD, and so that you can get to rest more. Yet the kind of feedback that I get is as such.

What’s worse? During my aunt’s wake, you actually argued with me not once, but TWICE, when I even asked you to stop! I am deeply sorry though 3 days had passed, I haven’t fully recovered from the damages you’d caused. I salute you for understanding that you are probably in the wrong, so please continue to do what you should be doing. For at this point, the sight of you and your mom still irks me. It is that bad, if you thought it’s not. One who verbally abuses me, and the other always try to act smart.

Without respect, love is lost. I hope you will keep that coaster that I passed to you. Remember it, please. We already don’t have much in common. I am already very lack of love from you. To hurt me like that, you are only digging your own grave.

I will go and print out your motto for this year.

Be Forgiving and Kind.

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I’ve Answered.

Another week has passed so how’s the progress? Terrible.

Everything is still as messy as ever. To do list is piling up even higher even though TODOist kept reminding me of what I should do. The ad hoc stuffs simply kept on coming.

I have a lot of issues now, be it self inflicted or real. For Continue reading “I’ve Answered.”

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Too Much Noise

Sitting in a corner of the house at 6.28am, enjoying the peace and quiet with a splitting headache. I just realised that I love quiets, a lot, way too much than I know. And it’s getting more and more on my nerves when those noises came up.

Continue reading “Too Much Noise”

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It’s a Problem When…

You know it’s a problem when you can’t look him straight in the eyes…

When did it happen? Was it when he stop hugging and kissing you on his own accord? Or was it when he kept commenting that your parents are useless? Or maybe it could be at the point where he called you dumb? And that you shouldn’t move your things over because you are such a mess? And your finance is a mess too, and so on and so forth… Continue reading “It’s a Problem When…”

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Thoughts – Short Changed Rest

It’s no wonder that I felt short changed at times with regards to my marriage and taking care of the children. Why would I feel that if I’ve got ample help from the other half of mine?

It was a nice 3 days holiday away from the work and world. We came back and the lil’ hub went back to our home instead as usual while I went back to my parents. There wasn’t a plan for the next day but I did expect or hope that the lil’ hub would come around to help since my parents would be busy washing and unpacking everything.

So my day started at 7am when little milo woke up and came to my room. Definitely insufficient sleep if you were to ask me. Parents were exhausted and so I had to look after my OWN child on my own while fighting off the sleeping bugs.

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The demanding sister woke up later but as soon as she woke up, she wanted me to accompany her to play the memory game. But it didn’t stop there. It’s time for her antibiotics which I dreaded. Why? For the past few days, I had to spend 30 minutes on average just to feed it to her and ensure that she doesn’t puke it out. It was a test of my patience and it’s wearing out. I’ve still got the requests to watch Youtube again and again, which I had to keep on rejecting. And with little milo learning to walk, his attention for me increases too…

Then I’ve got my mom nagging at the background asking me to unpack my luggage and look after my kids especially the young one, fearing that he will fall down, and asking us not to bring out more toys. But then mom, it’s difficult to do it all together!

Then came the time where I thought I can gather up some energy to continue clearing my to-do’s list to only realise that all had been cancelled out by that cheeky little milkie -.-”’
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By then it was around 3pm. An exhausted me finally received a call from the lil’ hub saying that he just woke up (wtf) and he will prepare and come over soon. Great. It was somewhat reassuring since at most he will reached at 5pm. I supposed 2 hours should be more than enough.

I was wrong.

It’s time for antibiotics again and then little milkie started crying (fake cries) and wanted my nephew to come over to play. When he’s here, my little milo became the outcasted one and I had to keep my eyes on him to make sure those 2 older sister and brother never push him. And then this whole look after the kids thing continued all the way till 6pm AND THE LIL’ HUB WAS STILL NOT HERE.

A call to him to check if he’s having dinner tells me that he decided to play some games before coming over. F. You slept till 3pm and still have the cheek to play some games while your wife is trying to keep herself awake and alive?!!!

Chill. I told myself. Chill.

He finally came around 7-ish and then I FINALLY had the time to bathe. Mom was a little sarcastic to him when he asked why I bathed so late. Of course, who wouldn’t?

And then he suddenly said that we should discuss about the details for J-trip. All I did was to stare at him and said, “You felt guilty for not doing anything, right?”. He laughed and admitted. Yes, that again is my lil’ hub and I can’t fault him for it for I married him in this state. I, again, can only blame it on my own decision.

Seriously, it would all still be barely bearable until late at night around 11pm, while I’m trying to get little milkie to sleep, that brainless lil’ hub of mine had to make a stupid comment to say that he wanted to fill in the forms for the bank loan (which basically is telling me that it involves me and I can’t sleep yet).

Dear lil’ hub. You woke up late today, took breakfast and went back to sleep till 3pm. Had lots of peace, quiet and rest before you decided to pop over. Your wife had the opposite. She woke up at 7am against her will and continued to force herself to be awake (because her freaking mom said that the more she sleeps, the more tired she would be – yah, I know, she’s just another manager). She’s exhausted beyond words and while you start work at 10am, she starts work at 8.30am. Wth were you thinking? Or were you not at all?

Sigh… have I rested? The answer is an obvious “no”.

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Thoughts – Education and Money

Dear little milkie and milo,

Firstly, I’m not trying to sow discord here. I’m just simply trying to tell you to choose wisely when it comes to one lifetime partner in the future. Your dad is a, relatively, good man. Don’t drink, don’t smoke and at most play some mahjong (like now) and that’s about it. He loves to save too, which is a good virtue that I hope you guys can inherit some (please, not all), unlike your mother, I. It is definitely a good point compared to my usual, unless I curb myself, spendthrift character.

But as much as I am a spendthrift, as I look at my current financial status now, bulk of my money goes to your livings and education. And the latter is something that I don’t mind providing to you guys especially when I seriously believe that knowledge is really important. If I have the choice and means to be a stay-at-home mum, I would already have done so, so that I can teach you guys myself. Though I can do that, I still believe that certain things can only be taught in school or by other professionals as your mum is generally a half-filled-bucket, i.e. Jack of all trades, master of none.

If you are wondering why I’m writing all these. Well. I’ve been looking at my monthly and projections for the next year or so for the past 30 minutes. Trying to see if I’m able to handle little milo’s pre-nursery fees if I were to start him next year. I would love to, of course, to start him early when he was around 2 years old but it seems like I might not be able to unless little milkie’s school fees were to drop. And then I remembered what your dad reiterated this afternoon. “It’s your money, you decide when you want to start, but I’m not going to pay for it.”

You see… Years back, long before you guys were born, while your dad and I were discussing about how we should handle our finance, I told him that I will handle the kids, for one main reason – I am SO afraid that he will shortchange you guys. Why? Well, let’s just say that he will compare the way he was brought up with the current common way of bringing up children, despite the fact that he did complain more than once that his mum never sent him to any classes before. I’m not saying that he won’t send at all but there will be a limit. Example, he only feels that a kid should only need to take one enrichment and one sports related class. And for things like right brain training is definitely something not beneficial at all. Sorry to say bad things about him, but I felt that he had never expanded his brains and get them exposed to such things, and thus did not feel that by doing all these things, it will actually help in the development of the child’s brain and thus probably aid in their life in the future. And worst still. He has got a stand-by-his-own-theory friend who believes that just by exercising, it will be good enough. To your dad, any method that doesn’t requires any cost, IS a good method.

You know, today, you, little milkie, walked passed the ballet school and requested that you wanted to learn ballet. Mummy had wanted to enrol you in one, previously, in fact I did, and even brought you there with Yi-ma but after that we found out that it was meant for older children. The one for younger children started a few months later but the timing wasn’t right. Anyway, as financially I’m already very tight, I told you to ask your dad, who had agreed to sponsor for your ballet (in the community centre) previously. Sadly, his reply was “ask your mother”. I wasn’t really expecting that. My fault that I should not have raised my zero expectation to something like “Baby, can you help to check those community centre ones again?” (Since it’s not really expensive). I’m sorry to make you feel disappointed, if you does really feel that. And I am sorry that you have to feel that way because I married someone who doesn’t really value the importance of any sort of education. I will try and fight it for you even if I could not afford to.

And my dearest little milo, mummy is trying hard not to shortchange you just because you are born later. I will try and give you the best I can, if not better.

My little milkie and milo, there’s always a balance in everything. Is education or money more important? Both are. So do not be too stringy with learning, for life is all about learning. And listen to my wise words, (try) as much as possible to find someone who has the same beliefs so that you won’t spend so much time trying to fill up the gaps, like what your mummy is constantly doing now. It’s hard work.

Goodnight my two little sweetie. In case you are wondering why your mummy’s got the time to blog, well, little milo had slept and little milkie is going to sleep soon after watching YouTube x 6 (thought she only requested for 1 initially). Sweet dreams, and love you both. Muak.

P/S: The willingness to learn is a choice.

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Ramblings #1189

9.55am – Song of today: “Impossible” by Shontelle. Ah… nothing close related to love. I’m done with the boy boy loves girl girl thing. All I’m left now is love for my beloved family, and that drains me at times because I’m trying so hard to do whatever I can for them, that I realized even while I’m taking a nap yesterday, the moment I saw my lil’ hub, the question was – “Have you taken your lunch?”

No. That’s not how things should be.

Continue reading “Ramblings #1189”

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Ramblings #1083

9.13am – There it was, on the sofa. I saw it before I left it there, and I did consider twice before I left it there. Still, I left it there, thinking that it wasn’t important. Somehow, it does matter, not to me, but to little milkie. As I saw her wailing, and trying to get back to her grandma’s house to get the rubber band that she had chose so carefully in the morning, I can’t help but feel so incompetent. Have I failed as a mother? To miss out such details when I do actually know her characters. What was I thinking? Why didn’t I just take that rubber band with me? Just a small little rubber band…

And what happened to all of those things that I had planned for her and myself. Where has it gone?

Once again, the feeling of loneliness crept over me, as I fight on my own against all odds. And I find myself getting stuck in the middle, or else getting the blames. All those responsibilities appear to be on me, and me only… Making sure that little milkie sleeps earlier at night. Don’t let little milkie watches too much Youtube. Bring little milkie back to our house and sleep. Don’t give her other food while she’s taking her meals. And blah… and blah… and blah…

Why… do I seem to be… doing this… alone? No, I love little milkie, and I love to know that little milo is joining our family soon. I love these responsibilities but I guess at times, I would love to have some help just by them (a.k.a. the people around us) not going against what I would love to do/achieve. And of course, an understanding lil’ hub. That would really be a great breather. Really great.

It’s only February but yet a lot of plans had been disrupted. OR maybe I had planned it oh so wrongly, never considering the load that I’m carrying at the moment. Setting up an unrealistic goal that’s too high for me to reach. Energy depleting way too fast than I had expected. Such that… everything seems to be in chaos at this moment. And the suddenly arrival of the flu bug caught me off guard and left me procrastinating things for a few more days.

Where am I to go from here now, when that “leave me alone” feeling is coming?

1.32pm – After a heavy yummy lunch and clearing a list of errands, looks like my mood has gone better! All I probably need now is some peace and quiet, if only I could get them, from somewhere. I wonder if it’s alright for me to go into a meeting room and do some work there instead of here in these noise. Hmm…

1.42pm – Okay, never mind. I shall stay here out in the open, with my headphone on. BLAST THE MUSIC!

1.54pm – Little milo, ganbatte with mommy! ^^

2.07pm – Doesn’t look like the luck is with those born in the year of monkey today. Shall try to keep as low profile as possible.

4.55pm – Hmm… yes, avoid getting into other people’s business. I’m trying to but why keep on letting me see things that I probably shouldn’t? Just saw her coming in with her eyes all red after an hour of disappearance to don’t-know-where. Asked her and she told me not to prompt her more for she won’t be able to control the tears. That further confirmed my suspicions on her and that T guy. Especially after she posted on her FB with a picture that says

“Too busy” is a myth. People make time for the things that are really important to them.

~ Mandy Hale

Yes, it’s true. And yes, it’s true. And yes again, you shouldn’t tell me for I’ll repeat the same thing which both you and I know. I just hope you can wake up from your dreams, eventually, before you get hurt too much or something bad really happened.

6.01pm – It truly is important to make sure that the older children are not being neglected when a younger one is born (or going to be). As I took out the box sent by the Great Eastern Insurance for the SG50 and opened it up, I could see the glow from little milkie’s face. She must be wondering, why are all these things for the little brother… only?

And so one by one, piece by piece, she took it out. I knew she wanted some of it but she didn’t ask me directly. All she did is ask, “why is it for baby’s use?”. I mean, of course, it doesn’t really fit her (the mittens and bootees etc. Thus, when she took that bib out, I simply asked her if she wanted that, and if she did, she can take it.

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My over-age SG50 baby

A lot of times, I guess the older child(ren) is being somewhat neglected when the younger one is born. Even if not neglected, the attention is being shared by the younger one. As much as the adults need to adjust, children need that too.

Little milkie, mommy can’t promise that I can give you all the attention that you required, but I will try to, as much as possible, like what I’m doing now. And don’t worry, mommy will always loooooove you! MUAK!!

10.24pm – She’s finally asleep after that half an hour of interesting topic with her. The difference between a gynae, a pediatrician and a dentist. And she’s so amused when I told her that her grandpa dare not visit the dentist for the fear of getting his last few teeth plucked out -.-”’

Nonetheless, it feels really nice to chat with her. I felt like I can almost pass all my knowledge to her as she grew older. And I’m really kind of glad that she’s so curious in everything. Though it gets somewhat tiring at times to need to explain everything and anything. Ah… love this little kid to bits! Let’s hope things will remain the same when little milo is out.

Goodnight!

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