Thoughts – Cogitation

I stared at myself in the mirror. I’ve aged…

Dark rings surrounded the pair of tired looking eyes. Fine lines appearing at the corner. Pale lips. Messy and tangled hair. Untidy eyebrows. Droopy boobs. Increasing cellulite around the body and thighs. Cracked heels. Flabby arms.

Who the hell is this??

Never in my life have I felt so exhausted before. Not that I’m not prepared, just not so well-prepared. How to? When I didn’t get a chance to experience first hand, or near to first hand. If I had known it’s going to be that bad, I probably would have tried harder earlier rather than now.

24 hours a day. Starting my day on average at about 6.30am, pumping milk and preparing little milkie’s milk. Subsequently preparing for work all the way till 9am, where I’ll reach the office. Spent the first hour taking my breakfast and clearing some emails. And then the rest of the day clearing work, attending meetings and stoning a little here and there in the hope that my brain will wake up and start to function. Pumping milk 2-3 times a day in the office is also a norm. Off work at about 5.30pm, and reaching home at about 6.15pm. Then play with little milkie, pump milk (2-3 times), take dinner, bathe, stone a little again and play some games, and it’s time for sleep at about midnight. Waking up at 4am to pump if I can.

That’s what happened most of the time.

Personal time. Work. Sleep. Family. I’m still learning how to juggle.

Everytime when I told myself that I need to clear my work, I felt that I should stop and go home to accompany baby. When I accompanied her, I felt that I should do my own business a little. But when I do my own things, the baby seems neglected. When I go out with the lil’ hub, my mind kept thinking of little milkie. And then I need sleep too. It’s like… you just can’t seem to enjoy the things you do.

I laid on the bed now, with my eyes barely opening. It’s going to be Monday and I’ll need to work again. Is the weekend over already? I don’t feel like I’m spending enough time with little milkie nor doing enough of my work, so why is it over just like that? Am I not using my time wisely? Is it just me, or it’s happening to everyone, especially those with children?

How now…?

I know I need to do something… but… my body just doesn’t listen to me anymore… not now… zzz…

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