tm, start thinking pls, wat do u want?

26 yrs already… do i know wat i want? who i want to be? its not the first time that i started asking myself this question. right now its 8.36am in the morning. i woke up about half an hour ago, my mind is very clear. i’ll be having my jap oral later on in the afternoon. and subsequently, will go to the beach with my family for a while. i need to think, re-think, bits by bits, of my life, everyday, from now on. i owe myself that…

i had a long talk with a friend yday. basically i just yelled everything out. things which i had wanted my mum n my sis to understand but which i had no idea how to convey it to them. asked me why i couldn’t talk to them? i did try to talk with my mum. ever tried. long ago. maybe its the way i put across to her but she just couldn’t accept it. “age doesn’t mean anything”. i’m 26 but to them, no matter wat i do or say, i’ll forever be that 12 year old kid who can’t take care of herself. why? probably cos i look like a kid and look so fragile. but is that a choice? my sis? ha. since young we hardly talked, and when she “disappointed” me, the distance jsut grew further. i still love her of course, but can she understands me? i still love her cos i understood her and i learn to accept the fact. i love my family but not the way they subconsciously restrained my life. ever since i’m 14, when things happened to my sis, my mum will always look at me and say, “倪,一个这样就够了,不要别个也这样.” great… so there was i, at the age when people will normally grow into people who they want to be, but me… i chose to be the good girl that my mum wants me to be. i tried not to let her worry. i go to school, go home. even if i go out, i won’t come back home too late. i don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t go clubbing. at the age of 23, when i stayed in hostel during my final yr, thats when i truly lived the life i want. at least when i grew up to that point, i felt myself finally breathing for the first time. i’m really happy then. i study, play, go clubbing, drink, went out with a lot of friends, exercise, and yet during the weekends, i can spend time with my family. but somehow, i never really think properly and i got myself attached. and then soon after, i moved back home. and they took away my clubbing, my drinking, my friends and even exercise. and at times, he took away the time i could had spent it with my family. who am i again? i love him, thats why i gave up those things. just like i love my mum.

but they could never understand the “accumulation” of all these “restrains of myself”. i envied my sis a lot. why is it that she can go out so late and yet my mum is still alright with it? and my cuz too? why? just cos my mum n godma had already given up “controlling” them cos they can’t be controlled? i never change, i’m still the same me. i only stopped doing those things that you all expected me to be, to do. remember the 2 voices that i heard? one is yt, the other is my mum. i can break up with yt but i can’t break up with my mum. but she’s pressurizing me. to be the person that i don’t wish to be. and as i grew older, that resentment increases. ‘cos its not the life that i want. its not who i want to be. accumulation isn’t good. it makes one explode. i already exploded for the one with yt, i really don’t wish to explode when i face my mum. i need to let her know and understand…. i really need to…. before i had another breakdown.

mum, if given a choice, i will move out and stay. not ‘cos i don’t love you or i want to become rebellious. but i need to break away. i need to be more independent. i need to breathe. when i continue to stay in this house, i’ll continue and feel restricted. years down the road, i’ll probably just become someone who live just because she’s still breathing. thats not the kind of life i want. i want a life which is bright, happy and i can learn new things everyday, be it small or big, about life or about work. thats the kind of life i’m attracted to and i seek for it. and i want to wake up everyday smiling (which i am now just by thinking about it). i want to wake up everyday to know that i WILL be learning something, that i love the life i’m living. that i love the person whom i am. and then when i have so much love for myself, i’ll be able to give it to those around me, those whom i love and care. isn’t that just wonderful?

its not freedom that i’m looking for. its your understand and support that i need.

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