Two Weeks into 2019

*Breathe*

Where should I begin…?

It’s merely 2 weeks into 2019 and I can foresee changes in the year ahead.

I haven’t been able to focus since the chat with my boss. It was good. I’m good. Definitely cleared of the “not so good reputation” that I had last year. I made it and proved to them that I ain’t what I am just so they do not know me. But at the same time, it means that there will be more expected of me. And knowing the character of my boss, she will push me, if I want to. Then again, do I?

Streams of thoughts went through the head last week. Nose kept running and ain’t feeling that well, and so I used it as an excuse to rest at home. Didn’t achieve as much as I had wanted for I ended up helping my mom to clear the toys and kitchen section, of which she kept insisting that it’s all mine and my sister’s stuff. She’s wrong, of course. It’s hers and my sis. I won but I lost a day. My mom, the manager that always act like a doctor, and like she did tons of things while we didn’t (she did really quite a bit), and sometimes behave like a dictator LOL.

Nonetheless it felt good to be at home, to clear and pack the things, to spend more time with the children, to have pockets of rest time here and there, which I won’t get to enjoy shall I continue to work in a 8 to 6 job. Yes, hardly 9 to 5 anymore. Travelling takes up lots of time too. Time is something I don’t have, for I sold it to the company that I’m working in.

Time vs money. I want the time but I need the money. And for the past 15 years, I’ve been working and sadly, due to my spending habit, I didn’t save at all. Regret? Yes, kind of but there is no point looking back. Working for others is not the kind of life that I wanted. I knew it since young, without knowing my bazi or whatsoever. But with a simple and conservative mom, I was taught to just study something easy and get a job with decent pay, and that will do. I hunger for more at that time, but not hungry nor daring enough to make choices. By the time I knew exactly what I want, I felt like I’m stuck in the rat race, not knowing what to do or how to get out. The fear to be stranded and alone, penniless, prevented me times and again to come out. Now that I’m married with 2 young kids, it felt even more difficult.

But then what happens if someone tells you that it’s now or 12 years later? 12 years… will I still want to start my own business? 12 years… do I want to continue working for others? 12 years… I will be over 50 years old…

So, am I going to ignore all the signs?

I think the path had been laid out since last year. Though challenging, but it’s all FOR me. From the point where I decided to take up a course which never cross my mind before. Knowing a classmate which is someone I quite looked up to, and ended up probably doing a partnership with him. And whatever my mind is asking, the lecturers seem to answer it for me. Asked for signs, and this popped out.

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It never told me the answer, just guiding my thoughts – stay on track (8 to 6 job), or drive thru (on fast track to other areas). And that’s not all.

Time then flies, and by the time I re-think again, it gave me a more definite answer on my different fate among the possible 3 options. Of course, it pointed to the same direction. Went on a Fengshui course, met a lady who is quite good. Read my chart and told me to go ahead, the louder the better. And then just recently, when I was swaying, out of nowhere, a friend sent a tarot link over, I took it and wow… it says exactly the same thing. And the last one that took me by surprise was Joey Yap, whom I have followed for years. It felt like he was telling straight in my face – like DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT THIS YEAR?

I… can’t simply ignore the signs. Ignoring the signs will only end up causing me more misery. But I know I cannot simply drop and go. At the very least, I need to plan what I can do. I still have to raise 2 children and I don’t want the lil’ hub to feel too burdened financially too. And I need to make sure I can support myself and those areas for the children where the lil’ hub is not willing to take up, such as Heguru. It’s a big headache but I definitely don’t want to be unfair to the younger one, just because I quit my job. The love should be spread evenly among the children, my little milkie and milo.

Love them to bits. Irritating and yet so adorable at the same time. I hope they grew up well. I will, on my part, try my best to guide them. The world is moving fast. Parents are working. I’ve seen so many cases of children reflecting how their parents behaved. To an extent, it is not their fault, they were guided that way.

I had a chat with my youngest cousin yesterday. He just received his ‘O’ levels results. It wasn’t good but definitely not like he screwed his life up because of his dad. Likewise, the dad was pissed because he insisted that the kid ignored and scolded him. Cause and effect. If you don’t want the effect, then don’t create the cause. If cause can’t be changed, then do some other cause that will change the effect.

Life is simple but people makes it complicated. It’s easier to blame others than to have some self reflection.

A friend asked me what books did I read because I seemed so enlightened about life. You don’t need books. There’s only a few rules to live by such as, Do not do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you. Learn, reflect, un-learn, re-learn. Isn’t this how a computer learns so that it keeps on improving itself? Why does humans know what a computer should do but yet not on themselves to make this world a better place (for you and for me).

Though those had been said, I do have my limits too. Examples on the recent events with my dad. He is old, I know, but it really takes a saint to talk to him and not flare up. His ears had been having problems. Told him to go for a check up or wear an ear aid but he simply refused, stating that he is perfectly alright and that wearing that is ugly and doesn’t help at all (based on a testimonial from an uncle). It’s dangerous, especially when he’s driving. Many a times I had to shout at him to tell him that someone is crossing or what not. And he seems not able to focus as much anymore. He’s fetching my kids. I am scare yet I am lost at this moment on what I should do. I definitely do not want something to happen before I made any changes.

I’ve got a hard nut to deal with back at home. If this happens, I have no idea what shit I will get again.

Sigh…

Whatever it is, since it’s going to be a great year ahead for me, I should stop worrying and start thinking. Probably we all should.

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