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Circuit Breaker Breaking My Mental Health

It's a Friday morning and I'm not working. I took the day off a few days ago because it's getting a little hard to breathe. I'm glad I did for yesterday, for a long time in my life, I just wanted to cry. Even now, as I typed, I felt like crying. That was a bad sign. I'm not good. Mentally.


The year didn't really start on a good note, with the Covid-19 situation getting worse worldwide within just a few months. Now, though it seems to have stabilised for quite a few countries, I'm not too sure about the others for I've stopped tracking. But I'm thankful that the situation in Singapore seems to be getting better and I wished so much that it will, soon.


It's been more than a month already, that we entered this so-called "Circuit Breaker" a.k.a. "CB". I wondered who thought of this name instead of using the word "locked down". Whichever the case, it means similar. You can't go anywhere or do anything you like, and just stay at home.


It would have been nice if I'm not working and had the time to spend with the kids. If only. But in reality, it's not the case. Work is still there, and there's additional work due to this Covid-19. And what makes it worse, is that your kids are there, with their home-based learning, at the start. It was chaotic.


My typical day goes like this - I will be woken up by little Milo at around 6.30am, where I will try to get him to sleep a bit more and don't go and disturb my MIL. The reason for waking his grandmother up is because she allows him to use iPad or practically do anything he wants. As a light sleeper, I won't be able to get back to sleep, and so I will just laze on bed till around 7.45am, where I will go wash up, take my breakfast and little Milo will keep asking me to play with him. I would, on a day where I still have some spare time, but otherwise, I will tell him to wait till lunch time.


It wasn't that bad initially, when your energy is still quite high. I still can get them to do some work but it's not easy too. Why? Because if you give them the work, they will start asking you tons of questions, and ask you to help them. And then your work will start to pile up. But if you focus on your work, then they will keep bugging you for Netflix or iPad. If you give it to them, they get addicted after a while. If you don't, then they continue to bug you. And the bugging is horrible, especially from little Milo. It's those kind where you hardly have the time to breathe.


I'm not trying to push the blame but I thought the lil' hub really had it easier since the children don't tend to look for him for anything (because a lot of times, either he don't bother or he will scold them after they did something that irritates him). His main job is to go and tabao lunch/dinner if we decided to not cook or order and to wash the toilets on weekends. Though I'm thankful that my MIL is there to help, I wish I have more...


And because it's never an efficient day with all the disruptions (bathe for kids, clean up the pee & poop [I don't even want to go into this], iPad requests and removal, homeworks, naggings etc.), work piles up even more. So in the end, after dinner, I will tend to work a little more, till around 9pm or even later. But I guess it doesn't help much. And as time goes by, you find that you get to spend lesser quality time with your children, your work is always late or incomplete, and compared to your colleagues whose children are already independent, you suck. Your tolerance for anything simply gets shorter as you get more stressed up. And all this while, the small kid continues his pleas to get you to play with him... (even now, he is doing that except I need this more... for now...)


Then the "me-time" became later and longer as you desperately seek for another outlet to get those stress and frustrations out of you. And you sleep later because of that which causes lack of sleep, and it just continues going... downwards... despite me trying to pull myself up every now and then...


*Breathe*


I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, I'm just not sure how is everyone handling this. I've known since quite a while that with my kind of birth chart, I need to find a creative outlet to balance out the water elements and that's one of the reasons why I started this blog. It takes my thoughts away and keep me in balance and thus I decided to write today. I haven't had the time or energy to do anything else other than work and handling the kids. And it doesn't help when my performance ratings are not good (while my energy is high). Just breaks my moral and motivation.


But I don't wish it to be like that. I never like it and so I took the day off to reflect and recharge. I mean it when I said I can't breathe. I just hope I get to think more today for in a while, the lil' hub will be bringing my MIL to the hospital for a check because she hasn't been feeling well, which means I will be left with the 2 kids alone, again. But, I will try to breathe. I will remember to breathe.


*Hang in there*



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